Chad Daniels - Tall Woman

  • Season 12 , Ep 18
  • 01/11/2008
  • Views: 27,039

I saw a seven-and-a-half foot tall woman galloping through an airport in Montreal. (3:49)

I WAS IN MONTREAL, CANADA, AND ISAW A 7 1/2-FOOT-TALL WOMAN

RUNNING THROUGH THE AIRPORT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AGAIN WITH THE IMAGINATIONS.

SHE WAS 7 1/2 FEET TALL AND --

NOT RUNNING, GALLOPINGTHROUGH THE AIRPORT.

WHEN YOU SEE THAT, YOU EXPECTTO SEE SOMETHING BEHIND HER

LIKE THE "X-FILES" PEOPLEOR A ZOOKEEPER

OR THE REST OF THE PARADE,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THE ONLY OTHER GUY THAT SAW HERWAS THIS AUSTRALIAN GUY.

HE STOPS, LOOKS MERIGHT IN THE EYES, AND HE GOES,

"WELL, THAT'S A BIG BITCH,"AND JUST KEEPS ON WALKING.

HE JUST KEPT WALKING.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

AND HE SHOULDN'T HAVE,BECAUSE SHE FELL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOME OF YOU ARE SO CONCERNEDFOR OTHER PEOPLE.

I THOUGHT WE WERE IN NEW YORK.ACT LIKE IT.

THAT'S 7 1/2 FEET,AND SHE FELL ALL THE WAY DOWN.

THAT'S LIKE GETTING YAHTZEEIN ONE ROLL.

IT DOESN'T HAPPEN VERY OFTEN.

ENJOY IT WHEN IT DOES,ALL RIGHT?

EVER SEENA NORMAL-SIZE PERSON FALL?

IT'S FUNNY.YOU SHOULD LAUGH, RIGHT?

YOU EVER SEE SOMEBODY THIS TALLFALL, GRAB SOME POPCORN,

'CAUSE IT TAKES FOREVER.

FOREVER.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I YELLED "TIMBER!" FOUR TIMES,

AND SHE WAS STILL ONLYLIKE RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

YOU GUYS, WHEN SHE FELL,SHE FELL SO HARD,

HER KNEE HIT FIRST -- BAM!

NOW SHE'S MY HEIGHT.

AND I CAN SEE HER FACEAS SHE'S COMING BY ME.

SHE'S LIKE, "iSANTA MARIA!"

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,A TALL MEXICAN IN CANADA?

THIS JOKEIS INTERNATIONALLY FUNNY."

HER TORSO WORKEDAS LIKE A SLINKY

AND JUST WHIPPED HER ASSTO THE GROUND, YOU KNOW?

THIS IS A BIG WOMAN --SHE HIT THE GROUND SO HARD,

I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA BUST UPINTO A BUNCH OF SMALLER WOMEN

AND THEY ALL RUN IN DIFFERENTDIRECTIONS OR SOMETHING.

LIKE SOME WEIRD CANADIANFIREWORK I HAD NEVER SEEN.

AND IT'S CANADA, SO THIS GUY'SJOHNNY-ON-THE-SPOT

WITH A CONCUSSION TEST,FLASHING A LIGHT IN HER EYES,

ASKING HER QUESTIONS LIKE,

"WHO'S THE PRIME MINISTEROF CANADA?"

AND "WHAT'S THE CAPITALOF NOVA SCOTIA?"

AND THAT'S WHEN I SAID, "I'MPRETTY SURE I HAVE A CONCUSSION

"'CAUSE I DON'T KNOWANY OF THAT STUFF.

"I WAS EDUCATED I AMERICA.

WE DON'T LEARN ABOUTOTHER COUNTRIES THERE."

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERS, APPLAUSE ]

WE DON'T HAVE TO, RIGHT?WE DON'T HAVE TO.

OUR FOREIGN POLICYIS "GIVE IT HERE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GUYS ARE NICE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE TIME I WAS DOWN SOUTH,

AND I BUMPED INTO A GUYFROM THE RODEO,

AND HE WANTED TO SEEWHO WAS TOUGHER.

UNH-UNH.

IF YOU CAN TAKE A HORNUP YOUR ASS AND LIVE,

YOU ARE WAY TOUGHER THAN I AM.

AND THEY'RE ALL BUFF.

WHY WOULD YOU BE BUFFIF YOU WERE IN THE RODEO?

I WOULD BE UBER FAT.

YOU WOULD WIN EVERY SINGLE TIME,RIGHT?

THE GATE WOULD OPEN UP -- ENN!

THE BULL WOULD BE LIKE,"OH, THIS SUCKS. HE'S FAT.

"I CAN'T BUCK HIS FAT ASS.GET HIM OFF OF ME, PLEASE!

"LORDY, LORDY, LOOK WHO'S 1,240.

"THIS SUCKS!

"HAS IT BEEN 8 SECONDS?WELL, TICKTOCK! LET'S GO!

"THIS GUY HAS 180 POUNDSOF TITTY!

"GET HIM OFF OF ME!

OH, MY BACK.SOMEBODY CALL P.E.T.A."

I TOLD THAT JOKE IN TEXASONE TIME.

OOPS, MY BAD.

THIS GUY STANDS UP, HE GOES,

"I'M IN THE RODEO,AND I'M KICKING YOUR ASS."

WAS LIKE, "SETTLE DOWN, MAN.WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

AND I SWEAR HE GOES,"MY NAME'S TRUCK."

SO I SAID, "NO, IT'S NOT, KURT.

YOU'RE JUST LOOKING AT YOUR BELTUPSIDE DOWN AGAIN."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THEN HE KICKED MY ASS.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN.MY NAME IS CHAD DANIELS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Loading...