Lewis Black - The End of the Universe

  • Season 6 , Ep 1
  • 04/21/2002
  • Views: 50,839

Lewis found the end of the universe in Houston, Texas. (3:24)

I MADE AND EXTRAORDINARY

DISCOVERY.

YOU KNOW, FROM THE BEGINNING

OF TIME, MAN HAS LOOKED AT

THE HEAVENS AND TRULY BELIEVES

THAT THE UNIVERSE ENDS OUT

IN SPACE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I'VE SEEN THE END OF

THE UNIVERSE AND HAPPENS TO BE

IN THE UNITED STATES AND ODDLY

ENOUGH...

IT'S IN HOUSTON TEXAS.

I KNOW.

I WAS SHOCKED, TOO.

(LAUGHTER)

IMAGINE MY SURPRISE WHEN I LEFT

THE COMEDY CLUB ONE DAY AND

WALKED TO THE END OF THE BLOCK,

AND THERE ON ONE CORNER

WAS A STARBUCKS AND ACROSS

THE STREET FROM THAT STARBUCKS,

IN THE EXACT SAME BUILDING

AS THAT STARBUCKS...

THERE WAS A STARBUCKS.

(LAUGHTER)

I LOOKED BACK AND FORTH,

THINKING THE SUN WAS PLAYING

TRICKS WITH MY EYES.

BUT THERE WAS A STARBUCKS

ACROSS FORM A STARBUCKS.

AND THAT MY FRIENDS,

IS THE END OF THE UNIVERSE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

PEOPLE SAY "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

AND I SAY, "GO THERE."

STAND BETWEEN THOSE TWO

STARBUCKS LOOK AT YOUR WATCH.

TIME STANDS STILL.

AND IF YOU LOOK THIS WAY,

AND LOOK AT ONLY THE ONE

STARBUCKS, IMMEDIATELY

YOU THINK, WHEN I TURN AROUND

THERE CAN'T POSSIBLY BE A

STARBUCKS BEHIND ME.

NOBODY COULD BE THAT STUPID.

AND IF THERE WAS A JUST

AND LOVING GOD, HE WOULDN'T

ALLOW THIS KIND OF THING

TO HAPPEN.

SO YOU TURN SLOWLY,

THINKING YOU'LL SEE A DENNY'S

OR A GAP OR A MOBIL STATION.

AND THERE'S A STARBUCKS!

(LAUGHTER)

PEOPLE HAVE ASKED IF THERE ARE

TOO MANY STARBUCKS.

NOW WE KNOW.

WHEN YOU BUILD A STARBUCKS

ACROSS FORM A STARBUCKS

THAT'S IT, GAME OVER.

WHAT GROUP OF PEOPLE WOULD NEED

THE SERVICE OF A STARBUCKS...

ACROSS FROM A STARBUCKS?

I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS

LONG AND HARD.

AND THERE'S ONLY ONE GROUP

OF PEOPLE AND THERE THE ONLY

GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT MAKE THIS

JOKE OF MINE WORK.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THAT'S PEOPLE WITH

ALZHEIMER'S.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT HAS TO BE A GROUP OF PEOPLE

WHO CAN DRINK COFFEE ALL DAY

IN A STARBUCKS AND THEN

WALK ACROSS THE FLOOR AND

OPEN THE DOOR.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

"GENTLEMEN, DO MY EYES DECEIVE

ME?

I BELIEVE THAT'S A STARBUCKS.

I THINK IT'S TIME WE HAD A CUP

OF JOE."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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