Ty Barnett - The Last Buffet

  • Season 10 , Ep 2
  • 02/16/2006
  • Views: 10,764

They don't let nerds into heaven. (2:07)

BUT LIKE I'M SITTING THERE AND I'M THINKING LIKE--

OKAY, MY CLAIM TO FAMEBY THE WAY FIRST OF ALL

IS I WAS AT THE GAME WHERE THE FIGHT BROKE OUT

BETWEEN THE PISTONS AND PACERS. I WAS THERE.

YAY, VIOLENCE, SHE'S LIKE, "YAY, THAT'S COOL."

NO BUT I WAS AT THE GAME. AND I LEARNED SOMETHING.

IF I'M MAKING MILLIONS TO PUT A BALL THROUGH A HOOP,

- YOU CAN'T EVER PISS ME OFF. - [LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY. "YOUR MOM IS A BITCH."

"YEAH, SOMETIMES SHE GET LIKE THAT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO, MY GRANDMA SAW THE FIGHT. AND LIKE SHE FLIPPED OUT.

'CAUSE MY GRANDMA IS LIKE REALLY RELIGIOUS, LIKE DEEPLY, YOU KNOW,

NOT JEHOVAH WITNESS DEEP. BUT SHE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW

WITH A TATTOO OF THE LAST SUPPER.

- [LAUGHTER]- BUT IT'S NICE.

IT'S LIKE ACROSS HERE. IT'S COOL.

THEN SHE STARTEDGETTING BIGGER.

THEY HAD TO START FILLING IN PEOPLE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT LOOKED LIKE THE LAST BUFFET.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT SEE THAT'S THE THING THAT TRIPS ME OUT ABOUT RELIGION.

'CAUSE LIKE EVERYBODYHAS A DIFFERENT OUTLOOKON THE SAME THING.

LIKE PEOPLE WILL GO TO CHURCHAND THEY SEE THE PICTURE AND SAY

"THAT'S JESUS. THAT'S THE SAVIOR. THAT'S JESUS."

IF YOU SAW THAT SAME GUY ON THE STREET YOU'D BE LIKE,

"I DON'T HAVEANY MONEY FOR YOU, DUDE.

YOU NEED TO CUT THAT HAIR, YOU HIPPIE."

'CAUSE PEOPLE WILL SAY STUFF ALL THE TIME LIKE,

"YOU LIVE A GOOD LIFE ON EARTH YOU GO TO HEAVEN, YEAH."

I GET TO HEAVEN, I'M LIKE, "HEY GOD, I DIDN'T DRINK,

I DIDN'T SMOKE, I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE PREMARITAL SEX."

AND GOD IS LIKE, [INHALES] "WHO TOLD YOU THAT [BLEEP]."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"YOU GOT TO GO. WE DON'T LET NERDS IN HEAVEN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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