Patton Oswalt - Old Movies

  • Season 2 , Ep 12
  • 09/03/1999
  • Views: 29,347

Patton Oswalt hates watching old movies in L.A. (1:37)

LOOK AT MY SET.THEY BUILT ME A SET.

OH, ALL THE MONEY.

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES RIGHT NOW.

I LOVE GOING TO,LIKE, OLD MOVIES.

I'M A REAL FILM BUFF.

AND LOS ANGELES IS THE PLACETO GO TO A LOT OF MOVIES.

THEY SHOW OLD MOVIESALL THE TIME.

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY,YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM

WITH PEOPLE THAT LIVEIN LOS ANGELES.

AND A LOT OF THEM,THEY'LL GO TO THESE OLD MOVIES

BUT THEY'LL BRING THEIRBULL( beep )

LIKE, STARBUCKS LIBERALISMWITH THEM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AS IF IT STILL APPLIES TO THEMOVIES THAT THEY'RE WATCHING.

LIKE, THEY WERE SHOWINGJOHN WAYNE'S THE SEARCHERS.

THE SEARCHERS--

ONE OF THE GREATEST FILMSEVER MADE.

WE'RE WATCHING ITIN THE MANN'S CHINESE--

"OH, MAN, THIS IS AMAZING."SO THE MOVIE STARTS UP.

THE FIRST TITLE COMES UP:

"TEXAS, 1868."

TEXAS.

1868.

SO THIS WOMANTWO SEATS DOWN FROM ME

STARTS REACTING TO THE FILMAS IF IT WERE MADE TODAY.

SHE STARTS GOING: "OH, WELL,LET THE WOMEN CLEAR THE TABLE

"WHILE THE MEN JUST SIT THEREAND TALK; OKAY.

"AND LET'S ALL BE RACIST TOTHE INDIANS WHILE WE'RE AT IT.

THAT'S GOOD."

UM...

MA'AM, IT'S THE OLD WEST, OKAY?

IT WAS SETTLED BY BIG, WHITE,RACIST PSYCHOPATHS.

I'M SORRY, THOSE ARE THE GUYSTHAT SETTLED IT.

IT WASN'T SETTLEDBY GAP GREETERS

AND JAMBA JUICE EMPLOYEESON THEIR BREAK.

IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE,BUT NO.

NO.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

IF I HAD SETTLED THIS COUNTRY

WE'D BE DEAD RIGHT NOW.YOU'D BE DEAD.

'CAUSE I'D HAVE BEEN OUT THEREGOING, "AH, MY INNER CHILD

DOESN'T FEEL LIKE CHOPPING WOODTODAY; I HAVE A..."

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE,YOU IDIOT!"

"I KNOW, BUT I WAS READING,UH, ANDREA DWORKIN

AND SHE SAYS THE MALES..."

"PLEASE KILL AN ANIMALSO WE CAN EAT!

PLEASE!"

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