Jeff Cesario - Cancer

  • Season 9 , Ep 8
  • 03/24/2005
  • Views: 2,499

Being a dick prevents cancer. (1:43)

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GET CRACKING?

HERE'S THE DEAL.

YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE FOR THEM

TO DESIGN AN ELECTRIC CAR THAT

DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A GAY

SPACESHIP?

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

[LAUGHTER]

SURE, IT GETS 60 MILES TO THE

GALLON.

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A FREAKIN'

ELF SHOE BROKE OFF A ROSE BOWL

FLOAT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

[LAUGHTER]

GIVE ME A BIG OLD CAR THAT GETS

GOOD GAS MILEAGE.

I KNOW THAT'S A CONTRADICTION.

BUT THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT ON

CONTRADICTION, FOR PETE'S SAKE.

CAN BUY A GUN AT WAL-MART.

BUT YOUR 4th OF JULY SPARKLERS,

THOSE YOU GOTTA SMUGGLE ACROSS

THE STATE LINE.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE JUST SPENT 27 MILLION TAX

DOLLARS ON A STUDY TRYING TO

FIGURE OUT WHY LABORATORY

RAT'S EYES ARE RED.

I'M JUST A COMIC BUT MAYBE

IT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE STAYING UP

NIGHTS WORRIED ABOUT WHETHER

THEY GOT CANCER OR NOT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TAKE THE LITTLE CIGARETTE

OUT OF THEIR LIPS.

LET THEM GET SOME SHUTEYE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

ALTHOUGH YOU KNOW I WAS THINKING

ABOUT IT.

I THINK I CAME UP WITH SOMETHING

THAT WILL HELP IN THE FIGHT

AGAINST CANCER.

I CAME UP WITH SOMETHING THAT

WILL PREVENT CANCER.

BEING A DICK PREVENTS CANCER.

NOT ONE DICK I HAVE EVER KNOWN

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS EVER

GOTTEN CANCER.

RIGHT?

[APPLAUSE]

NICE PEOPLE GET CANCER.

LANCE ARMSTRONG GETS CANCER.

BUT YOUR BOSS COULD WALK THROUGH

CHERNOBYL NAKED...

NOTHING.

HE'S AT WORK MONDAY MORNING.

"HEY, THAT PHONE'S NOT FOR

PERSONAL CALLS."

DICK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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