It's a bit weird for me.
I just got married, you guys.
I just got married.
I'm surprised, too, actually.
I didn't thinkI would get married
'cause I have a weird look.
Uh, no, we should talk about it.
I found out if you havea weird look, it can help you.
Like on a date, sometimesa woman will tell a guy
he looks like somebody famousto make him feel better
about his look, and usually,it's something exciting
like a famous actor,but the first time
my wife and I went out,
I thought the date was goingpretty good, right,
and she stopped and she goes,"You know what?
You lookjust like Count Chocula."
Actually, it was like this.
She's like, "You lookjust like Count Cho..."
I-I used to wear my collarlike this.
I don't think that's weird.
Is that a compliment, though?
Like, are therecereal characters
getting laid nowadays?
"Dude, come on over.Party at Frankenberry's house.
Who let Toucan Samnear the coke?"
Right, 'cause he has a big nose?
Okay, you got it. Good.
It's weird when you get married,things change,
and that's a true story.
My wife and I aren'tas nice to each other.
We used to be so nice.
Now we say exactly what we wantto say
and we don't edit it at all.
We just say it, you know?
Like we were leavingthe house the other day.
I like to get dressed up.
Okay, I think that's obvious
to everybody here.
I get a little dressyout on the town.
But my wife puts no effort
into going outnow that we're married.
Like, we're walkingout the door,
she has her hair in a ponytail,no makeup,
big hooded sweatshirt on, and Imake the mistake of saying this.
I go, "Wow, hon.
You're goingto go out dressed like that?"
She goes, "You know what?
I can't look beautifulfor you every day."
I'm like, "Well, could you try
"to put a couple of daysin a row together?
You don't have to be Cal Ripken,Jr., but get a streak going."
I mean, you know?
"I'm not asking you to goto the Hall of Fame,
but make the team,you know, at least."
I like thrift stores, you guys.
Goodwill, Salvation Army-- I do.
I don't like these reallyreligious thrift stores.
You ever been to one of those?
They have, like,the crosses everywhere
and the "footprints poems"
reminding you how bad you areand stuff.
And see, this is the thing.
I was raised very non-religious,thank God...
and, uh, it's just differentfor me, you know.
But I was standing there andI'm, like, ready to check out.
Taped to the cash register--
I swear to God,they had this article taped,
and the headlineof the article said,
"Did you know the bloodof 40 million babies has stained
United States soil since 1963through legalized abortion?"
I'm like, whoa, whoa, 40 millionbabies, stained US soil.
Who's doingall these abortions outside?
Oh, my God,put down a tarp or something.
I mean, that's ridiculous.
And is this the placefor your pro-life message?
In between the bric-a-bracand the soiled futon?
I mean, why don't you put upa sign that says "We need fives"
like all the other thrift stores
that I go to?