Amy Schumer - Porn Endings

Amy Schumer: Mostly Sex Stuff Season 1, Ep 101 08/18/2012 Views: 120,323

It's always easy for Amy Schumer to guess what happens at the end of the rainbow. (2:22)

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WELL, I LIKE TO WATCH PORN.

LIKE, WHAT GIRLSIN HERE LIKE PORN?

[women cheer]

THANK YOU.I LOVE IT.

ALL THE--ALL THE WHORESARE IN THE FRONT.

THIS IS THE BEST.

I DON'T LIKE TO WATCHTHE END OF PORN.

I DON'T LIKE TO WATCHTHE END OF ANY PORN

'CAUSE GUESS WHAT HAPPENSAT THE END OF THE RAINBOW

EVERY TIME.

SPOILER ALERT,HE [bleep] ON HER [bleep].

OH!

WHAT AN AMAZINGCHOOSE-YOUR-OWN ADVENTURE

THAT ALWAYS ENDSEXACTLY THE SAME.

THERE'S NEVER A TWIST,RIGHT?

HE'S NEVER LIKE--THE GUY IS HAVING SEX WITH HER,

AND HE LOOKS OFF CAMERAIN HER BACKPACK, HE'S LIKE,

"OH, ARE YOU READING THATNICHOLAS SPARKS BOOK TOO?

"OH, MY GOD.WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?

LET'S START A BEDAND BREAKFAST TOGETHER."

NO.

HE JUST [bleep] ON HER HEAD.

WE DON'T WANNA SEE THAT.I DON'T WANT--

'CAUSE WE THINKABOUT THAT GIRL.

LIKE, THAT POOR GIRL,

AND WE KNOW, AS SOON ASTHE DIRECTOR YELLS "CUT,"

THAT SHE'S JUST STUMBLINGAROUND LIKE HELEN KELLER

LOOKING FOR A TOWEL,JUST WHERE--

"DID YOU GUYS GO TO LUNCH?

"THIS ISN'T COOL.

YOU PROMISE THIS IS GOODFOR MY SKIN?"

[laughter]

SO THE GUY I WAS DATING,HE WAS, LIKE, SO LAZY.

HE WAS ONE OF THOSE DUDES,

LIKE, HE WOULDN'TGO DOWN ON ME.

I HAD TO BECOME A CLIMBEREVERY TIME, YOU KNOW?

HEAD UP THERE,

JUST HOLDING ONTO THE HEADBOARD

LIKE A NOSY NEIGHBORPEEKING OVER THE FENCE.

I FEEL LIKE WILSONFROM HOME IMPROVEMENT.

I'M LIKE, "HEY, TOOL MAN,WHAT'S, UH..."

IT IS EMBARRASSINGUP THERE.

I WENT ON A DATEWITH A GUY RECENTLY,

AND HE WAS, LIKE,REALLY HOT.

SO I WAS PRETENDING TO BEA GOOD PERSON, YOU KNOW?

I WAS SAYING THINGS LIKE,

"I LOVE KIDS,AND I'M NOT RACIST."

[laughter]

JUST VAGUE LIES.

AND YOU HAVE TO, LIKE, PRETENDLIKE YOU WANNA USE A CONDOM.

I LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING FUNWHEN I BRING IT UP, BUT HONEST.

I'LL BE LIKE,"YOU'RE GONNA WANNA WEAR THIS.

I'VE HAD A BUSY MONTH."

[laughter and groans]

"IT'S LIKE A PETRI DISHRIGHT NOW.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT'S HAPPENING."