First Bomb

Season 2, 04/27/2013 Views: 1,341

The Half Hour comedians recall some of their earliest experiences on stage. (3:03)

-The first timeI ever bombed was

the first time I did stand-up.

And the secondtime I ever bombed

was the second timeI ever did stand-up.

I didn't do well my entirefirst year of comedy.

[music playing]

-I remember thefirst joke I told

on stage, because I still do it.

-It was, "Hey, don't fearthe reaper, because of he's

anything like the Grim Reaperfrom "Bill and Ted's Bogus

Journey," you will have atruly non-heinous time."

-It's about the game ofLife, and how like the board

game always gave youall these successes,

but they never, like, reallyfocus on the real, like,

version of life. "You got a DUI.

Go lose your car, goto jail," you know?

-Yeah, I startedas a guitar comic.

(SINGING) You should get marriedbefore you have kids so you can

make them sad wheneveryou get divorced.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

I wasn't aware of whatwas happening, I think,

'cause I was so, um, drunk.

-Three weeks in, Iwas at a lesbian bar

and I did breastcancer jokes, and they

threw beer bottles atme and tried to kill me.

-The first time I really bombedwas at a place in Topeka,

Kansas called the Double Deuce.

Thanks for laughing at that.

I know that, uh, female comics,sometimes people are like,

all they talk about'stheir periods.

And I'm on mine right now, soI'll fucking do what I want!

-I don't know the first time.

I can remember when ithappened the other day.

-Oh my god.

Yeah, bombing feelslike drowning.

-They didn't like me.

I forgot my jokes.

To the point where Ihad to run offstage kind

of in the middle of it.

-They told me to take myfaggot jokes back to New York,

and I did.

I left without getting paid.

-It was an open micin Tucson, Arizona,

where it was athree-minute set and I

only did a minute of premise.

[clears throat nervously]Uh, you

guys ever go with your friend?

Oh, man, women are weird.

GABE LIEDMAN: Youcan't, like, fight it.

The more you panic,the worse it gets.

-What's up with this heat?


Thank you.

Good night.

-It was just atan open mic, and I

was, of course, doing terrible.

So in an attempt toget the audience back,

I lept into the air andfell flat to the ground.

-I was performing for abunch of people who had just

come in from a hardcore concert.

Rah, roo, rah, rah.

And I might have saidsomething like, you know,

hardcore music sucks.

Your mothers are whores,or something like that.

And then the guy came on stageand he didn't say a word,

but he very easily pulledthe microphone out of my hand

and smashed it over myhead as hard as he could.

And it made me bleed and ithurt, but I knew I was OK.

So really, the only thoughtgoing through my head

was, that was awesome.

-And it's the most alivethat I've ever felt,

and probably thereason I still do this.

-I'm surprised no one shotme in the face after that.

-Why are you makingme relive this?

[music playing]