Pete Holmes - Green Eggs and Ham

  • Season 4 , Ep 3
  • 08/09/2013
  • Views: 41,968

An unusually chipper airport security agent puts Pete Holmes in a great mood. (2:42)

I'm feeling good.I'm feeling very, very good.

I'm already in a good mood.

I think it's weird the thingsthat'll put you in a really

good mood, because I, uh, Iflew here, and I went through

airport security.

And I, uh, I don'tknow about you guys.

I actually know solittle about you guys.

But when I travel, I lovewearing a T-shirt

that I don't care about.

I don't know why-- I think it'sbecause I get sweaty.

I'm a little embarrassed toadmit this, but when I fly,

I get sweaty.

It's humiliating.

I get off the plane, peopleare like, "You been jogging?"

Pit stains.

I'm like, "No.

I've been sittingstill in the sky.

Got any water?"

So I always wear a shirtI don't care about.

Now, I've been giventhis shirt twice.

It's a shirt that says,

"Dr. Seuss, Green Eggs and Ham."

You're right to laugh at that.

Twice, as a gift, from twodifferent parties.

The first time I was like,Well, they've misread

my personality.

The second time it was likethe universe was like,

"Put the [BLEEP] shirt on."

So I wear itsometimes when I fly.

And I'm wearing this shirt

going through airport security.

And I don't want to say-- Idon't want to be too edgy here

tonight, but the TSA canbe filled with

a bunch of grumpies.

I know a lot of you came for mydivisive bad-boy humor.

And here it is.

I'm leaning on a lamppostflicking a nickel,

lighting a match on my neck.

Just like, "Yeah,full of grumpies."

Not always.

Every once in a while you getthe one guy that loves being

at the TSA.

It's like an old guy.

He's moonwalkingaround, wanding people.

Everything's coming up Gary!

Like, [BLEEP] Gary, he'sgetting cancer from everything

around him.

He's like zippety-do-dah.

I love a Gary.

And I got a Gary.

So I'm wearing this shirt.

I forgot that I'mwearing this shirt.

I go through the machine, it'searly in the morning.

And just all I hear fromoutside-- This is what put me

in a good mood for,like, two days.

I hear this woman in the TSAgo, "What you know about green

eggs and ham?"

Two days I've beenin a good mood.

I was like, "What?"

"What you know-- What-- Whatyou know about

green eggs and ham?"

I forgot I was wearing theshirt. I was like,

"What-- Is this a terroristquestion?

Are those code names?

Are you hitting on me?

What does this mean?"

"What you know aboutgreen eggs and ham?"

Which is weird, because shewas Korean, and--

I'm just kidding.

She was a sassy black woman,just like you cast her in your

minds, you racists.

You did a perfectjob, you racists.

"What you know about--" Itgets deafer

every time I do it.

"Green eggs and ham!"

That's all it took toput me in a

wonderful, wonderful mood.

"What you-- Whatyou know about--"

She'll never know how deeply

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