Chelsea Peretti - Terrible Taste in Men

  • Season 15 , Ep 3
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 46,613

Chelsea Peretti doesn't make jokes during sex because she doesn't want to risk getting killed. (2:55)

I READ SOMEWHERE THATMEN'S BIGGEST FEAR

IS THAT WOMENWILL LAUGH AT THEM,

AND WOMEN'S BIGGEST FEARIS THAT MEN WILL KILL THEM.

[audience laughing]

KIND OF DIFFERENT STAKESTHAT WE'RE WORKING WITH.

BUT THAT'S WHY I DON'TMAKE JOKES DURING SEX,

'CAUSE I THINK OF STUFF

THAT I THINK WOULD BEFUNNY ALL THE TIME,

BUT I JUSTDON'T SAY IT,

BECAUSE I DON'TWANT TO BE KILLED.

LIKE FOR YEARS, I THOUGHTIT WOULD BE HILARIOUS

TO HAVE A[deleted] PHOBIA,

SO WHEN THE GUYSTARTS TO [deleted],

I WAS LIKE, "AHH,WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU.

"YOU'RE CHANGING-- CHANGE BACK,"CHANGE BACK!"

JUST THROWINGSOCKS AT HIM.

VERY UNCOMFORTABLEWITH IT.

I'LL TRY IT ONE DAY--I'LL FIND THE RIGHT GUY.

[audience laughing]

I DO HAVE TERRIBLETASTE IN MEN.

LIKE, I JUST LIKEBIG, DUMB GUYS

WITH DEAD EYESLIKE TONY DANZA

OR I'M BORDERLINEATTRACTED TO

RONNY FROM"THE JERSEY SHORE."

ANYONE DUMB--ANYONE BIG AND DUMB.

I REALIZED THE OTHER DAY,I'VE DATED THREE, WHITE RAPPERS.

[audience laughing]

I FEEL LIKE THAT'S PROBABLY98 PERCENT OF WHITE RAPPERS

THAT HAVE BEEN INSIDE ME--IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

YOU KNOW THE TYPE OF GUYTHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

LIKE VERY MANICUREDFACIAL HAIR,

LIKE THOSE PENCIL-THINMOUSTACHE-BEARD COMBOS

THAT GO INA CIRCLE LIKE,

"MY MOUTH'S IN HEREIF ANYBODY'S LOOKIN' FOR IT."

[audience laughing]

THOSE ARE THEKIND OF GUYS.

THEY HAVE WEIRD IDEASABOUT HONESTY, YOU KNOW?

THEY GET--THEY'RE LIKE,

"I'M HONEST WITHMY FRIENDS AND FAMILY,

"BUT NOT WITH SOCIETYAND CORPORATIONS."

THEY LEAVE LIKE WEIRDLOOPHOLES FOR THEMSELVES.

YOU KNOW, THEY GET PHILOSOPHICALWHERE HONESTY'S CONCERNED.

THEY'RE LIKE,

"I MEAN, SOCIETY JUST AGREESTHAT THIS IS A TABLE."

I'M LIKE,"DID YOU CHEAT ON ME?"

[audience laughing]

LET'S STOP PLAYING GAMESAND REALLY GET INTO IT.

IT'S LIKE YOU ALWAYS FORGETWHEN YOU'RE IN IT, YOU WANT IT,

AND THEN, WHEN YOU'RE OUT OFIT, IT-IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,

YOU WANT WHATEVERYOU DON'T HAVE.

YOU KNOW, WHENEVERI'M ALONE, I'M LIKE,

"I WANNA BOYFRIEND--"THAT'D BE SO FUN.

"WE'LL HOLD HANDSAND WATCH A MOVIE."

BUT ACTUALLY,WHEN YOU GET ONE,

ACTUALLY WHAT IT IS, ISIT'S JUST SOMEONE WATCHING YOU,

AND WATCHINGYOUR EVERY MOVE,

AND JUST CONNECTING DOTS ON ALLYOUR FLAWS IN YOUR PERSONALITY.

AND THEN AFTERA WHILE, THEY'RE LIKE,

"OKAY, THIS ISWHO YOU ARE.

"IT'S A TERRIBLE PERSON.

[audience laughing]

"YOU SHOULDWORK ON IT."

AND THEN YOU WATCH A MOVIEJUST TO TAKE A BREAK,

[audience laughing]

AND THAT'S LOVE AS FARAS I'VE FIGURED IT OUT.

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