Tom Cotter - Family Life

  • Season 8 , Ep 13
  • 03/11/2004
  • Views: 5,144

It's pretty clear that Tom Cotter wasn't part of a normal family. (2:13)

THIS IS KIND OF TENSE FOR ME,

YOU KNOW, MY OWN SPECIAL ON

COMEDY CENT--

THIS MORNING I WOKE UP AND

I COULD FEEL TENSION MOUNTING.

TENSION'S MY DOG.

SO--

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I KICKED HIM OFF MY LEG AND

I THOUGHT THAT IS A HORRIBLE WAY

TO GREET THE DAY, ISN'T IT?

BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED BY YOUR

DOG.

COMEDY'S ALWAYS BEEN IN MY

BLOOD.

THE HEPATITIS IS BRAND-NEW,

BUT THE COMEDY'S ALWAYS BEEN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT GOES WAY BACK FOR ME,

IT REALLY DOES.

LIKE WHEN I WAS 16 YEARS OLD

THE MORNING OF MY BIRTHDAY

MY PARENTS TRIED TO SURPRISE ME

WITH A CAR.

BUT THEY MISSED.

AND--

[LAUGHTER]

TAKE YOUR TIME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M THE YOUNGEST IN MY FAMILY,

I WAS ALWAYS GETTING BEATEN UP

BY THE TWO OLDEST, MOM AND DAD.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOT SMACKED AROUND A LOT

WHEN I WAS A KID.

I USED TO GET BEATEN UP BY THESE

GREEN BERET'S THAT LIVED IN OUR

NEIGHBORHOOD.

SOME PEOPLE CALL 'EM

GIRL SCOUTS, WHATEVER.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

EVERY SATURDAY MORNING IN

MY NEIGHBORHOOD WE'D HAVE THIS

HUGE WATER BALLOON FIGHT.

AND EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT I'D PUT

MINE IN THE FREEZER SO I'D WIN.

[LAUGHTER]

I'D GET A LITTLE MOIST BUT

THE OTHER KIDS WOULD BE BLEEDING

FROM THE EARS AND THAT'S

A VICTORY IN MY BOOK.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THAT ALL

THE MOTHERS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

WOULD ACTUALLY TAKE TURNS

SPANKING ME, IT WAS FRIGGEN

AWESOME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IN HIGH SCHOOL I GOT CAUGHT

SHOPLIFTING ONCE FROM A CAR

DEALERSHIP, IT WAS A BUICK.

AND MY FATHER SAID TO ME THROUGH

THE BARS OF THE JAIL CELL,

BECAUSE HE WAS IN THE NEXT CELL.

[LAUGHTER]

HE SAID, "YOU'RE NO SON OF

MINE."

WHICH HURT ME AND IT CONFUSED

MY MOTHER.

SHE WAS LIKE, "DAMN IT, HOW DID

HE KNOW?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE NOT A NORMAL FAMILY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I GUESS THAT'S ABUNDANTLY CLEAR

AT THIS POINT.

[LAUGHTER]

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