Christopher Titus - The Iraq War

Christopher Titus: The 5th Annual End of the World Tour Season 1, Ep 101 03/17/2007 Views: 11,776

Christopher Titus finds fault with George W. Bush's definition of torture. (2:42)

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IS THAT THESE RICH WHITE MEN THAT STARTED IT DID NOT SEND THEIR KIDS.

THEY SENT YOUR KIDS AND YOUR FRIENDS.

THAT PISSES ME OFF. AND WHAT IS...?

[APPLAUSE]

AND WHAT IS BUSH TALKING OUT? WE HAVE TORTURE CENTERS?

REALLY, COMPARED TO WHO? THE GUYS THAT WE'RE FIGHTING

ARE CUTTING OFF PEOPLE'S HEADS WITH HACKSAWS, VIDEOTAPING IT,

AND SENDING THEVIDEOTAPE TO THE FAMILY.THEY CALL THAT JUSTICE?

THEY CALL IT TORTURE WHEN OUR GUYS PUT UNDERWEAR

ON A GUY'S HEAD,STRIP HIM NAKED,

PUT AN EGGBETWEEN HIS BUTT CHEEKS

AND MADE HIM DO JUMPING JACKS.

IF IT CAN'T GET YOU INTO A FRATERNITY AT

CHICO STATE UNIVERSITY,IT'S NOT TORTURE.

AND A BIG PYRAMID OF NAKED GUYS, YOU'RE JUST PLEDGING.

THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS, "SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I MEAN, DUNKING A GUY'S HEAD IN A TOILET, THAT'S CALLED A SWIRLEE.

YOU HOOK SOME WIRES TO THAT TOILET.

- THAT'S AN ELECTRIC SWIRLEE. - [LAUGHTER]

AND NOT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS, FRANKLY.

AND THAT CHICK THAT WAS POINTINGAT THE PENISES AND LAUGHING.

MAN, I USED TO DATE CHICKS LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

- QUIT LOOKING AT MY CROTCH. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DID SOME SHOWS FOR THE TROOPS.I WENT TO IRAQ.

IT'S COOL, 'CAUSEI'VE NEVER FLOWN TO A GIG

IN AN APACHE HELICOPTER.MAN, THAT WAS COOL.

IN THE APACHE I'M LIKE THIS IS THE BADDEST [BLEEP] EVER.

AND THEN THERE'S COBRA HELICOPTERS ON EACH SIDE

AND GUN SHIPS WATCHING OVER US. I'M LIKE, YEAH!

AND THEN I THOUGHT,WOW, WE COULD GET SHOT.

I DON'T WANNA BE HERE ANYMORE.

I WANNA GO TO A SHOW I CAN SKATEBOARD TO.

AND THEN I WAS IN FALLUJAH AND THE BASE BLACKED OUT

AND IN THE SHOW WITH 350 MARINES,

THEY ALL GOT GUNS WITH THEM, LIKE, DURING THE SHOW,

SO IF THEY HECKLE, I'M JUST GONNA GO,

- YOU'RE RIGHT. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD POINT. MOVING ON. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOW

I'M LIKE, MID-JOKE, ALL OF A SUDDEN, BOOM!

AND THE BUILDING SHAKES AND NOBODY MOVES.

- THEY'RE, LIKE.- [LAUGHTER]

SO I JUST KEEP GOING. YOU KNOW I KEEP DOING MY JOKES.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, BOOM! [SOUND OF EXPLOSIONS]

- AND NOBODY MOVES. - [LAUGHTER]

UM, DID ANYBODY ELSE HEAR THAT?AND SOME GUY GOES

"DON'T WORRY, MAN, THAT'S OUTGOING."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SHAKY VOICE] DOES THAT MEAN THERE'S GONNA BE INCOMING?

'CAUSE I'M GONNA NEEDONE OF THOSE METAL HATS.