Exclusive - Dave Ross - Acid Reflux - Uncensored

The Law 11/11/2016 Views: 2,061

A dicey situation gets worse when Dave Ross invokes the ire of a gas station attendant while tripping on acid. (9:50)

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- If you haven't taken acid,it's a great drug.

You got to take it, but you onlyget six times.

You'll get six times,and then your seventh time,

it's just, like,images of people dying,

your parents gettingshot in the face, and then,

you quit doing drugs, you'redepressed for seven years,

and start stand-up comedy--hi, I'm Dave Ross.

Nice to meet you.

[dark electronic music]

[people screaming]

- Good afternoon,ladies and gentlemen.

I hope you're all havinga wonderful day.

This is what's known asa robbery.

Do not move.Do not speak.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,from the sketch show, "Women,"

please give it up forMr. Dave Ross, everybody.

Let him hear it!

- I grew up, um,like, a reserved kid.

I was, uh--yeah,I didn't, like,

do any drugs or drink throughhigh school.

I didn't smoke cigarettes--cigarettes were bad, you know?

And, uh, so,I went to college,

and I was like, "I'm gonnakeep doing that."

And, um, then I met this girl,and she smoked cigarettes,

and I was like,I love cigarettes.

They're so great.

Uh, I love everything about 'em.

And, uh--and so I--okay,I went to school, uh, in L.A.,

and I lived in a dormon the corner

of Exposition and Figueroa.

And, uh, I don't know ifyou know that neighborhood,

but...[chuckles]. Ugh!

Uh, and, uh, we were watchinga local news program

in my dorm room one nightcalled "The Action News."

And I've always loved that name.

Action in your news!

Yeah, election coveragewith tits!

Uh, so we're watching it.

There's a top, ten, um,

every nighton "The Action News."

And this top ten wasthe top ten places

in Los Angeleswith the most beatings.

[laughing]Like, could you use

any other language besides--beatings!

[grunting]

It was like--we couldn't believe it.

We watched the whole thing,

they got to number one.

Number one place in L.A.

with the most beatings

is the corner of Expositionand Figueroa.

And they showed a pictureof the Chevron

we went to every dayto buy cigarettes.

And I was like, all right, well,we're quitting cigarettes.

For sure.Uh, no more smoking.

Really do not need thatin our lives, cool.

So anyway, like six monthslater, I took a bunch of acid

and went to the beating Chevronto buy cigarettes.

And I should say,this is, uh,

my first time ever taking acid,

so acid hadn't made me sad yet.

Uh, I don't know--if you haven't taken acid,

it's a great drug.You got to take it.

But you only get six times.

You'll get six times,and then your seventh time,

it's just, like, images ofpeople dying,

your parents gettingshot in the face, and then,

you quit doing drugs, you'redepressed for seven years,

and start stand-up comedy--hi, I'm Dave Ross.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you.Thank you very much.

I, uh--yeah, so,we were happy, you know?

First time.

We--we'd been datingfor six months.

We're in love.

Let's just dance around

and look at all the lightsand colors.

This is gonna be wonderful.

Yeah, Watts has so muchto offer us tonight.

And, uh, so we'rejust sort of, like,

dancing up to the Chevron,and I walk up to the window,

and I'm like, I'll have a packof Marlboro lights, please.

And then I give hima ten-dollar bill.

The guy gives me back a packof Marlboro lights

and $15.

Which is extra.Um...

And look,I'm a pretty honest guy.

Normally, I would justgive the money back.

You gave me extra.Take this.

But I was on fuckingacid at the time.

And hone--I don't carehow honest you are.

Your immediate gut reaction...[laughs]

to getting extra money is alwaysjust, "Hell yeah.

Keeping this."

And acid--all it does is it takes

whatever emotion you're feeling

and multiplies it by 10 million.

So, this guy gives meextra money.

I look at him and say,out loud,

Oh, yeah!

Ooh, yeah, I am rich, man!

No more problems for Dave Ross.

I'm showing my girlfriendas we both, simultaneously,

Monty Burns our wayacross the street, you know?

Talking about all the housesand boats and cars

we're gonna buy withall our new money.

And as we're doing that,

the door of the Chevronflies open.

The dude from inside goesrunning across the street

and starts screamingat me in my face.

"Give me my money!You took my money!

Give me that money back!"And I don't know what happ--

it's five bucks,but I was like,

It's mine.You're not getting this.

And so, I pulled out my wallet.It was in my pocket.

And I showed him, there's nomoney in the wallet.

And of course, the screamingperson is reasonable.

Uh, so what he did was,he took my wallet

out of my hand,ran across the street,

locked himself in the Chevron,

and called the cops on me.

I mean, you know, or on himselffor stealing my wallet.

But either way,I'm on acid now,

and the cops are coming.

So, the next emotionI'm filled with

is just epic fear.

I had a bag of weedin my pocket.

I gave it to my girlfriend,I was like,

Baby, take this andnever come back.

She just grabbed it from me,said, "I'll miss you,"

and just ran.

And I don't know--I don't know.

There was something aboutseeing her run

that just put me in this, like--

I can do this, man.

It just changed--it was fear,

and now it's courage,and I turned around,

and in my head, all that washappening was just, like...

[humming dramatic music]--you know what I mean?

[humming dramatic music]

I was like--"Kashmir" by LedZeppelin's playing in my head

as I'm walking up the hillto the Chev--

it wasn't a hill,but it felt like a hill,

you know what I mean?

And I'm walking up the hillto the Chevron,

and as I'm thinking,I got to do this, man.

Oh, my parents can't find out.

I can't go to prison.I got to make it through this.

And as I'm thinkingall that crazy shit,

I, uh, I hear, "Hey!

"Hey!

Hey!"

And I look over, and there is

a police officerin a full uniform

staring at me.

And I am staring at him.

Don't think that that happens tocops that often.

I think normally, if a coptalks, everyone's like,

"Ha ha, sorry, sir.Ah, here I am!

Apologies."

But this cop was like, "Hey."

Actually, he was probablyjust going, "Hey."

Uh...

But I was hearing, [howling].

[grunting]

Uh...[chuckles].

So, I just don't even moveas he stares at me.

He stares at me, "Hey,"and I'm just like,

What the fuck do you want?

Just looking at him--we stare at each other

for minutes, prob--well, it wasprobably ten seconds,

but, you know,we stared at each other

for like 5,000 years,for sure.

I'm looking at him, and hebreaks, eventually.

And he goes, "Hey, man.What happened here?"

And I just looked him dead inhis eyes and said, "Everything."

And then he said, "All right,

you're on drugs, for sure."

And that's whenI started crying.

[laughing] I just startedcrying immediately.

I am! [sobbing]

I didn't even try to lie.

I am on drugs!I'm sorry, sir.

Don't call my dad!Do you know my dad?

[sobbing]I'm sorry!

And after that, I could onlysay those two words.

I'm sorry!I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, sir.I'm sorry.

And he's just like, "Oh, my God.Calm down, man.

"I'm not here to bust you.

"I just came for the--I--

I'm gonna go talk to that guyover there."

So he went, and he talkedto the guy in the Chevron.

Came back like 17,000years later, you know?

Hands me my wallet back,and he's like,

"Do you have the guy's money?I was like, Sure. Here you go.

Uh, and he goes, "Listen.

"Like I said,I'm not here to bust you.

"I just want you to be safe.Please tell me,

what drugs did youtake tonight?"

In my head, I was like,eh, can't be acid.

Acid's too messed-up!

So I just panicked and said,

"Ah, meth."

And...[laughs].

He's like, "Meth?"I was like...[laughing].

Not much, but yeah.

Yeah, meth,so, I do meth.

Ah!

He's like, "Oh, my God.Go home.

"Would you please go home?

You live over there, right?You go to school here? Go home."

And I was like, Okay.

I'm sorry.

And as I'm walking away,I get like ten steps away

from this cop, and he stops meand runs after me,

and he's like, "Oh, wait.One more thing.

Was that your girlfriend I sawwalking away before?"

And I was like, yeah.

And he goes,"Dude, walk her home.

Don't you know how many beatingsthere are in this neighborhood?"

Thank you guys so much.I'm Dave Ross.