Jeff Dye - Knee Pads and Short Shorts

  • Season 14 , Ep 24
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 38,361

When old people play sports, they like to wear the stuff they wore when they played the sport. (2:41)

I LOVE MY PARENTS TO DEATH.

I KNOW I'M BAD WITH MONEY,

THOUGH, 'CAUSE MY PARENTSWERE BAD WITH MONEY.

LIKE, THEY NEVER WERE DIRT POOR,THEY WERE JUST IRRESPONSIBLE.

YOU KNOW, THEY'D GETA LITTLE BIT OF MONEY,

AND THEY'D BE LIKE,"WATERBEDS FOR EVERYONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE THING ABOUT MY PARENTS, TOO,

BEING OLD, IS THEY LIKE TO USEOLD-PERSON SAYINGS, YOU KNOW?

I'D BE 10 YEARS OLD, THEY'D BELIKE, "HEY, CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR."

YOU KNOW, OR LIKE,"STAY OUT OF MY BOOZE, QUEER."

YOU KNOW, STUFF LIKE THAT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE ALWAYS THOUGHTTHAT MY DAD WAS A LITTLE CRAZY,

'CAUSE ME AND MY SISTERS,WE USED TO COMPETE.

WHEN WE WERE IN TUNNELS,WE WOULD HOLD OUR BREATH.

YOU KNOW, WE'D BE LIKE[INHALES DEEPLY] YOU KNOW?

AND THEN MY DAD WOULD, LIKE,SLOW THE CAR DOWN, YOU KNOW?

WE'RE LIKE...

THAT'S ACTUALLY HOWONE OF MY SISTERS DIED.

I GUESS SHE WINS, YOU KNOW?

SHE DIED A WINNER,AND THAT'S WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

MY DAD'S A GOOD GUY.

HE TAUGHT METO NEVER GIVE UP, THOUGH,

'CAUSE HE'S COMPLETELY BALD,

BUT HE'S GOT A BIG BUSHY BEARD,YOU KNOW?

SO IT'S LIKEHALF HIS HEAD GAVE UP,

BUT THE OTHER HALF'S LIKE,"MNH-MNH,"

YOU KNOW, WHICH IS NICE.

A GOOD GUY.[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY DAD --HE'S OBSESSED WITH BASKETBALL,

AND HE THINKSI SHOULD BE GOOD AT BASKETBALL

JUST 'CAUSE I'M TALL.

I'M 6'4" --UH, 6'9" WITH HEELS -- AND...

BUT BASKETBALL'S MORETHAN JUST BEING TALL, YOU KNOW?

BUT I KNOW HE LIKES IT,

SO I'LL ASK HIM TO PLAYWHEN I COME HOME AND STUFF,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING MOREHUMILIATING THAN LOSING TO,

LIKE, A HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD MANAT BASKETBALL.

WE'LL PLAY.

HE'S GOT, LIKE,THIS HOOK SHOT I CAN'T BLOCK,

AND SOMETIMES HE SHOOTSLIKE THIS, LIKE, FOR NO REASON.

HE PLAYS WITH A KNIFE.I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, DAD.

I THINK THIS IS --YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING."

THE BAD THING ABOUT PLAYINGOLD PEOPLE AT SPORTS

IS THEY LIKE TO WEARTHE STUFF THEY WORE

WHEN THEY PLAYED THE SPORT.

PLAY MY DAD AT BASKETBALL,ALL OF A SUDDEN,

HE COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

HE'S GOT, LIKE, KNEEPADSAND, LIKE, SHORT SHORTS.

HE'S LIKE, "'D' UP, BOY."

I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,PLEASE PUT ON PANTS.

"THIS IS WEIRD.

I'M NOT A HOOSIER."

MY MOM'S A SWEETHEART, TOO.

SHE'S A GOOD LADY,

BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USEANYTHING ELECTRONIC, YOU KNOW?

ANYTHINGTHAT REQUIRES TECHNOLOGY,

SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE,EXCEPT THE E-MAIL FORWARD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUTMOMS AND THE E-MAIL FORWARD,

BUT THEY GET IT IMMEDIATELY.

MY MOM CAN'T EVEN USETHE DISHWASHER,

YET EVERY MORNING,

I HAVE LIKE 75 NEW E-MAILSALL FROM MY MOM.

LIKE, "OH, GREAT,

"WHAT CAT DRESSED UPLIKE A HUMAN TODAY, MOM?

LET'S SEE WHAT COULDN'T WAITTILL NEVER."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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