Patton Oswalt - Man Without a Country & Unlistenable Radio

Patton Oswalt: No Reason to Complain Season 1, Ep 0101 12/05/2004 Views: 13,459

Patton Oswalt struggles with who he hates more, George W. Bush or hippies, and wonders when conservatives stole rock’n’roll. (3:57)

Patton Oswalt: I'M KIND OF

IN BETWEEN WORLDS RIGHT NOW,

BECAUSE I WAS SO AGAINST THE

WAR.

AND I SO HATE GEORGE BUSH AND

YET, AT THE SOME TIME,

THAT'S NOT-- PEOPLE--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S NOT--

NO, NO WAIT...

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

I LOVE HOW I'M ACTING LIKE I'M

SO BALLSY SAYING THAT "I DON'T

CARE WHO I PISS OFF IN THIS

ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE I E-MAILED,

BUT...

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH ME.

OH, MY GOD.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HATE THE WAR.

HATE GEORGE BUSH.

I ALSO HATE HIPPIES.

I'M A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY.

I HATE HIPPIES.

I HATE THEM.

THERE ARE TWO GENERATIONS OF

PEOPLE THAT NEED TO DIE OUT.

THESE OLD 50s INDUSTRIAL

MILITARY COMPLEX WAR-MONGERS

NEED TO DIE, AND THE TAMBOURINE

BANGING NO BATHIN' BEARDED

HIPPIES ALL NEED TO DIE.

AND THEN WE NEED CONSERVATIVES

THAT CAN ACCEPT GAYS, AND WE

NEED HIPPIES THAT SHAVE AND

BATH.

WE NEED BOTH OF THOSE AND

THAT'LL MOVE US FORWARD.

PLEASE GOD.

AND HONESTLY, THEY WILL SAY,

"WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THE WAR

HAPPENED."

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN SOONER WITH ALL

YOUR SYMBOLIC PROTESTS.

NO WONDER THE WAR HAPPENED.

SEND AN EMAIL, DO A MARCH.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SEND AN EMAIL.

THAT'S JUST HOW BIG BROTHER

TRAPS YOU.

"HERE'S HOW WE'LL STOP THE WAR.

WE'RE GONNA MAKE THE WORLD'S

BIGGEST FINGER PAINTING AND

THAT'LL BLOW PEOPLE'S MINDS."

NO IT WON'T, FOR GOD'S SAKES!

"I KNOW HOW WE CAN STOP THE WAR.

WE'RE GONNA KNIT THE WORLD'S

SMALLEST PAIR OF HEMP PANTS

AND PUT 'EM ON A MOUSE, AND HIDE

THE MOUSE IN THE CUPBOARD."

"BUT, WHICH CUPBOARD IS IT IN,

MAN?

PEOPLE WILL BE SO BUSY THINKING

ABOUT THAT, THEY WON'T HAVE TIME

TO GO TO WAR."

OH GOD, YOU'RE IDIOTS.

[APPLAUSE]

OH!

IT'S LIKE THE SAME THING--

I SEND MONEY TO NPR.

I SUPPORT THEM.

I SUPPORT THEM PHILOSOPHICALLY,

BUT IT'S UNLISTENABLE RADIO.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

I SEND THEM MONEY SO I DON'T

HAVE TO LISTEN TO THEM.

WHEN DID CONSERVATIVES STEAL

ROCK 'N ROLL FROM US?

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

ALL THE AM STATIONS--

NOTHING BUT RACIST, FASCIST,

DOUCHBAGS-- ALL THEIR

BREAK MUSIC IS THIS BLASTY-ASS

GUT-BUCKET ROCK 'N ROLL.

BILL O'REILLY WILL PLAY THE

WHITE STRIPS FOR GOD'S SAKES.

THEN YOU TURN OVER TO NPR AND

THEIR BREAK MUSIC IS A SAD,

LONELY SAXOPHONE ECHOING THROUGH

A SEWER PIPE SOMEWHERE.

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

[LAUGHTER]

SO, YOU TURN AND LIKE "NEXT ON

BILL O'REILLY, WHITE/BLACK

PEOPLE SMELL DIFFERENT."

[SOLO BASS GUITAR PLAYING]

"LATER ON NPR WE'LL TALK TO A

WOMAN WHO MAKES MACRAMEé BELTS

OUT OF OLD TYPEWRITER RIBBONS."

[WAA, WAA, WAA, WAA,]

[WAA, WAA, WAA, WAA, WAA, WAA]

[APPLAUSE]

PLAY SOME ZEPPELIN, FOR GOD'S

SAKES.

"IT'S OUR PLEDGE DRIVE HERE ON

NPR, AND WE HAVE A 20 MINUTE

FIELD RECORDING OF A ATUME

LUCKU, WHICH IS A BOSNIAN

INSTRUMENT, WHICH CAN ONLY BE

PLAYED WHEN YOU HAVE A PIERCED

SCROTUM AND THREE KIDS WHO HAVE

BEEN KILLED BY A LAND MINE."

[GARBLED MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

"THE TIBETAN PRACTICE OF

SCREAM SINGING RIGHTFULLY

DIED OUT IN THE 4th CENTURY BC,

BUT TWO BERKLEY TRUST FUND

STUDENTS HAVE REVIVED IT

AND HERE'S A 40 MINUTE SAMPLE."

[AH, AH, AHHHHHH!]

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]