Reno Collier - Married Life

CC Presents: Reno Collier Season 9, Ep 6 03/03/2005 Views: 1,871

When Reno wants to go to Hooters, he has to lie to his wife. (3:11)

AND I WAS READING THE OTHER DAY

AND I SAW WHERE THEY'RE HAVING

TROUBLE NOW WHERE WOMEN ARE

BEATING UP THEIR HUSBANDS.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT?

[APPLAUSE]

YOU GUYS LOVE THAT.

IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD NOW THEY EVEN

HAVE A SHELTER FOR THE MEN THAT

GET BEAT UP.

IT'S CALLED BED BATH AND BEYOND.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

YA KNOW.

'CAUSE IF YOUR WIFE CAN

KICK YOUR ASS, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE

THAT STORE, YOU PANSY.

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF

FOR GOD'S SAKE.

GOOD GOD, MY WIFE BEATS MY ASS

BUT I PAY HER.

I LIKE IT.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE DOESN'T LET ME DO WHATEVER

I WANT THOUGH, YA KNOW.

LIKE I USED TO THINK I'D BE ABLE

TO DO WHAT I WANTED AND STUFF,

YA KNOW.

LIKE I LIKE TO GO TO HOOTERS.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE DON'T LET ME SO I GOTTA ACT

LIKE I'M GOING TO HOME DEPOT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MAKE UP LIES AND STUFF, YA KNOW.

I LOOK AT MY BROTHER-IN-LAW

LIKE, "HEY MAN, YOU WANT TO GO

TO HOME DEPOT AND GET SOME

WOOD?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE COME BACK THREE HOURS LATER,

I'M DRUNK, I GOT WING SAUCE

ON MY FACE, MY WIFE'S LIKE,

"WHERE'S THE WOOD?"

I'M LIKE, "C'MON BACK HERE,

I'LL SHOW YA!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S FUN, MAN.

I GOT A COOL WIFE.

WE HAVE A LITTLE SON AT HOME

AND I WAS SO DAMN GLAD THAT

THE BABY FINALLY CAME OUT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVER LIVED

WITH A PREGNANT WOMAN BEFORE BUT

THE WHOLE TIME SHE'S PREGNANT

SHE'S WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE,

YA KNOW, SHE'S, "OH MY GOD,

I GAINED 45 EXTRA POUNDS,

I SWEAT WHEN I EAT AND I VOMIT

EVERY MORNING."

I'M LIKE, "NO KIDDING,

IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY FELT

LIKE ME IN THIS HOUSE, IT AIN'T

EASY IS IT?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"GOT SWOLLEN ANKLES."

"ME, TOO."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NO ONE CARES ABOUT DAD, YA KNOW.

AND WE HAD OUR BABY WE WERE

LIVING IN CALIFORNIA WHEN WE HAD

HIM, YA KNOW.

WE DIDN'T TAKE ANY CLASSES.

WE JUST WATCHED A VIDEO TAPE

WITH A COUPLE OF HIPPIES.

MY WIFE'S LIKE JUST YELL OUT

EPIDURAL.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE ALL RIGHT.

SHE COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM

SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW IF I

PEED OR I'M HOLDING SOMETHING?"

I WAS LIKE, "OH, I SAW THIS

ON A MOVIE, WE GOTTA GO YA KNOW!

WE LOOK LIKE A COUPLE OF

HILLBILLIES.

WE'RE RUNNING THROUGH

THE PARKING LOT OF THIS L.A.

HOSPITAL, NEITHER ONE OF US

HAVE SHOES ON, I'M IN MY BOXERS,

SHE'S GOING, "THE BABY'S COMING

OUT!

THE BABY'S COMING OUT!"

AND I'M GOING, "EPIDURAL,

EPIDURAL!"

[LAUGHTER]

WE GET INSIDE THERE, THEY PUT

HER UP ON THE THING, THEY'RE

LOOKIN' THEY'RE LIKE, "SHHH."

I'M LIKE, "EPIDURAL."

THE LADY GOES, "SHE'S AT

EIGHT CENTIMETERS."

I WAS LIKE, "EPIDURAL!"

THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, THE BABY'S

COMING NOW!"

I WAS LIKE, "EPIDURAL!"

THEY'RE LIKE "SHE CAN'T HAVE

I'M LIKE, "THEN GIVE IT TO ME

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T TAKE A CLASS

AND..."

IT WAS AMAZING.

AND IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS,

I FELT SO BLESSED WE COULD HAVE

'EM.

OUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR

IN CALIFORNIA, HE'S A GREAT GUY,

HE'S ADOPTED.

HE'S A WHITE GUY BUT THEY

ADOPTED A LITTLE CHINESE BABY

YA KNOW AND THAT'S BEAUTIFUL

BUT HE JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND

CHINESE CULTURE, YA KNOW.

I GET HE'S AN OAKLAND RAIDERS

FAN AND HE WANTS HIS SON TO WEAR

THE JERSEY, BUT THERE'S

SOMETHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE

CHINESE BABY WITH THE WORD

"RICE" WRITTEN ON HIS BACK,

YA KNOW.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]