Christopher Titus - Pedophilic Priests

Christopher Titus: The 5th Annual End of the World Tour Season 1, Ep 101 03/17/2007 Views: 21,831

In response to the Catholic Church's sex abuse scandals, Christopher Titus recommends some old school retribution. (4:35)

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GUY'S SUPPOSED TO LEAD US TO GLORY,

DOING IT WITH THEIR HANDS ON LITTLE KIDS' PANTS,

WHAT IS UP? ONE PRIEST IN BOSTON, ONE DUDE, MESSED WITH

OVER A HUNDRED KIDS. A HUNDRED KIDS.

YO, FATHER GROPEY IT'S NOT AN OLYMPIC EVENT. HOW SICK IS THAT DUDE?

HE'S UP THERE ON SUNDAY PREACHING, LOOKING OUT. OOH, HIS VESTING'S ARE TIGHT

AND HE'S SWINGING THATSMOKY THING, SHAKING IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SMOKY THING IS CALLED.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

DON'T YOU THINK IF YOU'RE JONESING FOR A BOY SCOUT

OR YOU HAVE AN ALTER BOY MONKEY ON YOUR BACK,

YOU SHOULD FIND A WAY TO STOP, MAN.

GO TO THE HOME DEPOT, GET A SLEDGEHAMMER.

[POUNDING SOUND]KILL THE URGE.

I FEEL BAD FOR THESE PRIESTS. YOU KNOW WHAT I WISH THEY HAD?

I WISH THEY HAD OH-- HA-HA! I WISH THEY HAD LIKE,

LIKE A GOD TO PRAY TO FOR GUIDANCE.

OR MAYBE LIKE A BOOK WITH SOME RULES IN IT

- THEY CAN READ.- [LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T MISUNDERSTAND ME. I BELIEVE IN GOD.

I LOOK AT MY TWO KIDS AND I KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING.

I WAS MARRIED 15 YEARS. GOD EXISTS.

[LAUGHTER]

I SURVIVED THREE YEARS ON THE FOX NETWORK.

- THERE IS A GOD.- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BUT I DON'T TRUST THE CHURCH ANYMORE AND THAT'S SAD

'CAUSE THEY'VE DONE GOOD WORK IN THE PAST.

THEY FED THE HUNGRY. THEY'VE HELPED THE HOMELESS.

WHEN IT COMES TO RAPING LITTLE KIDS, THEY DROPPED THE BALL.

HOW DO WE HELP THE CHURCH GET THEIR RESPECT BACK?

- I HAVE A PLAN:- [LAUGHTER]

PEDOPHILE CRUCIFIXIONS.

HEY, HEY. IT'S THEIR IDEA.

WE'RE JUST GOING OLD SCHOOL.

- BC, DOG. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. YOU WALK IN ON SUNDAY.

ONE OF THOSE BAD PRIESTS IS NAILED UP THERE,

IT'S GONNA CHANGE YOUR OPINIONABOUT THE CHURCH.

HOLY [BLEEP!] GOD DA-- WOW!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, I'M WEARING A TIE NEXT WEEK. 'CAUSE IT COMES DOWN

TO WHAT MY FATHER SAID,STEP UP OR STEP ASIDE.

THE ONE THING THE CHURCH HASN'T DONE

IS STEP UP AND DEAL WITH PROBLEM

OR STEP ASIDE LET THE AUTHORITIES DO IT.

AND IF THEY DID AND GOT SERIOUS AND ALL OF US KNEW THAT

THE SECOND SOMEONE LAID A HAND ON A KID WRONG,

THAT GUY WAS GONE, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

CHURCH WOULD BE FULL TO THE RAFTERS AGAIN.

PIUS MEN OF GOD WOULD SHOW UP TO BE PRIESTS AGAIN, GREAT MEN.

MEN WITH LIGHT COMING OFF OF THEM.

SO WHEN YOU WENT OUT ON SUNDAY THERE WOULD BE A GREAT MAN

OF GOD IN FRONT OF YOU, ONE OF THOSE OLD SCHOOL GUYS,

[IRISH ACCENT] "OH, GOOD MORNING EVERYONE,

"HAPPY SUNDAY. HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?

"FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO THANK THE TERRELLI BROTHERS

"FOR TAKING DOWN THE LIFE SIZE JESUS AND NAILING UP

"FATHER FINNIGAN HERE.I KNOW. I KNOW. SHUT UP!

"QUIT YOUR SCREAMING. IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS, IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

"NOW, TODAY, WE'RE GONNALEARN ABOUT RETRIBUTION.

"OH, AND WE'RE GONNA SING SOME SONGS.

"I WANT YOU TO THINK OF IT AS A CRUCIFIXION KARAOKE.

"SHUT UP! TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!OH, I'M SORRY, GREGORY,

"I KNOW THAT'S WHAT HE SAID TO YOU. DON'T CRY.

[LAUGHTER AND OH'S]

"OH, DON'T BE OH'ING MEIN ME OWN CHURCH, OKAY?

"I'M HANDLING IT, AREN'T I?

"AND GREGORY, WIPE THE TEARS FROM YOUR EYES,

"COME ON, DO WHAT JESUS WOULD DO, COWBOY UP.

"NOW, FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE ALL THE CHILDREN

"THIS BASTARD MESSED WITH TO PLEASE STEP FORWARD,

"ALL OF YOU, WHOLE CHEESE AND CRACKERS. OKAY.

"WELL, I HOPE SATANLOVES RIPPING THE FLESHFROM YOUR BONES AND

"FEEDING IT TO THE WHORE HOUNDS OF HELL,

"YOU MAGGOT! AND THAT REMINDS ME,

"DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE BAKE SALE ON WEDNESDAY.

"NOW I'D LIKEALL THE CHILDRENTO PLEASE FORM

"A SINGLE FILE LINE BECAUSE, WELL, I'VE ONLY BROUGHT

- ONE NAIL GUN.- [LAUGHTER]

"I WASN'TEXPECTING THE OVERFLOW.

"AND GREGORY, YOU'RE FIRST. COME HERE, BOY. YOU'RE FIRST.

"LET HIM THROUGH. THERE YOU GO, BOY.

"COME HERE. THE TRIGGER'S RIGHT HERE.

"WHAT? OF COURSE YOU CAN SHOOT HIM WHEREVER YOU'D LIKE.

"NO, DON'T YOU BE UPSET. THIS IS JUST YOU NAILING HIM.

- COME ON." - [LAUGHTER AND OH'S]

NOW, IF I HAVE ANGERED OR OFFENDED ANYBODY

WITH THAT PIECE OF MATERIAL, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GIVE ME

THE PRO-RAPING LITTLE KIDS SIDE OF THE ARGUMENT.

[LAUGHTER]