Matt Fulchiron - Quitting His Job

Burr, Fox, Fulchiron, Bjorgen, Lenox, Rontowski, Johnagin Season 1, Ep 5 08/10/2006 Views: 4,281

Yes, it was possible for Matt Fulchiron to look more like a homeless person than he did. (2:23)

I'm not a...

( applause and cheering )

Whoo! Wow.

This is my demographicright here.

( laughter )

I quit my job.

My boss was gettingon my last nerves.

You know what I mean? Like...

My boss came in my office.

She's, like, "Matt, you know,you don't comb your hair,

you don't shave your face."

She's, like, "You've gota $15 suit." You know?

She's, like,"Can you look any more

like a homeless person?"

And I was, like,"Well, uh, I could, uh...

"I could bum a quarter,you know?

"Um... I could, uh...

"I could smoke a crack rock.


( laughter )

I could take ( bleep )on the break room floor."

I don't think it's gonna helpbusiness out any, dumb-ass.

She's so stupid, man.

She's, like,"Matt, you're so immature."

I was, like,"Yeah, I know that you are,

but what am I?"

( laughter )


I can't even get that jokeon an airplane,

'cause it's the mother ( bleep )bomb.

What's up?

( applause )

What's up right now?

Seriously, for me?

Oh, my God.

Uh, you know, I quit my...I quit my job,

and they f... they...

Right. Remember? From before?

It still makes everybody happy.

But when I quit,like, they freaked out.

I was a file clerkfor, like, six years.

And they're, like,"Matt, you can't leave.

This place depends on you."And all that stuff.

And I was, like,

"This whole place dependson a beer-guzzling jackass

"whose only real goalis to use your Internet services

to find another job?"

( laughs mockingly )

You guys are in more troublethan you think.

( laughter )

I'm just glad you guysbrought the air conditioning,

'cause I broughtthe ( bleep ) heat.

What's up ( bleep )?

Seriously, seriously.

Come on.

Get out of here.

They say money changes people.

And I say,hook that ( bleep ) up.

You know what I mean?

I'm about duefor some alterations, you know?

Like, I don't careif money changes me

into a 300-pound chinchillawith herpes simplex two.

( applause )