Pete Lee - Kicker of the Group

  • Season 13 , Ep 11
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 6,714

Pete's nickname on his football team is "Global Warming," because whenever he's on the field, the rest of the team pretends that he doesn't exist. (2:27)

AND MY THREE BEST FRIENDSIN NEW YORK CITY

ARE THREE GIGANTIC-LOOKINGBLACK DUDES, YOU KNOW?

I LOVE HANGING OUT WITH THEM.

I BROUGHT THEM HOMETO JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN,

WHERE I'M FROM,

AND EVERYBODY WAS LOOKING AT MEAND LOOKING AT THEM

AND LOOKING AT MEAND LOOKING AT THEM,

LIKE, "WOW,HE MUST BE THEIR KICKER!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW? I ACTUALLY PLAYON A FOOTBALL LEAGUE WITH THEM.

THAT'S HOW I MET THEM.

AND I'M THE WORST PERSONON THE TEAM.

I SUCK, ALL RIGHT?

SO THEY NICKNAMED ME"GLOBAL WARMING."

YEAH, 'CAUSE EVERY TIMEI'M ON THE FIELD,

THEY ACT LIKEI DON'T EVEN EXIST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW?

SO I WANTED TO GIVEOUR TEAM CAPTAIN, TREY,

I WANTED TO GIVE HIMA COOL NICKNAME,

BUT I'M REALLY BAD AT THAT, TOO.

SO THE OTHER DAY, I WAS LIKE,"WHAT'S UP, SNOOPY?"

AND...RIGHT?

AND HE'S LIKE,"WHY YOU CALLING ME SNOOPY?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "UM, AWKWARD!"

RIGHT? YOU KNOW?

"'CAUSE YOU'RE ORIGINALLYFROM NEW ORLEANS,

"AND EVERY TIME YOU SEEA PICTURE OF SNOOPY,

HE'S ALWAYS ON TOP OF HIS ROOF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S THE CUTEST, MEANEST JOKEYOU'VE EVER HEARD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY, I SAID IT, YOU LAUGHED.

SEE YOU IN HELL.

I HAVE A REALLY WEIRD ROOMMATEIN NEW YORK.

MY ROOMMATE,HE'S A 29-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN.

RIGHT? NO, SILENCE IS THEAPPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO THAT.

WHEN I FIRST MET HIM, LIKE,"WOW, THAT'S SO RARE.

YOU'RE LIKE A UNICORN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT HE'S ALWAYS TRYING TO BRAGABOUT HIS VIRGINITY,

LIKE IT'S ONEOF THOSE HIGH-SCHOOLAFTER-SCHOOL SPECIALS.

HE'S ALWAYS LIKE,"BRO, I'M A VIRGIN

"BECAUSE JESUS CHRISTWANTS ME TO BE A VIRGIN.

AWESOME!"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, DUDE, OF COURSEGOD WANTS YOU TO BE A VIRGIN.

THAT'S WHY HE MADE YOU UGLY,DUDE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'S LIKE, "BUT MY PARENTS WEREVIRGINS WHEN THEY WERE MARRIED."

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, DUDE,UGLY PLUS UGLY EQUALS YOU.

"ALL RIGHT?

"SERIOUSLY, WHEN YOU WERE BORNFOR THE FIRST TIME,

"GOD WAS LIKE,'CRAP, MAYBE DARWIN WAS RIGHT.

"'HEY, SAINT PETER, CHECK OUTTHIS UGLY BABY THAT I MADE.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE STOMPEDON A YOGURT CUP.'"

I KNOW.

I KNOW, AND IT'S WEIRD

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE LAUGHEDREALLY HARD AT THAT JOKE,

AND OTHER PEOPLE WERE LIKE,"NAW!"

YOU KNOW?

AND THOSE PEOPLEARE CALLED UGLY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

Loading...