Jessi Klein - Go to Hell, Pig Walker

  • Season 15 , Ep 13
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 121,642

Jessi Klein hates when people do something for attention and pretend like they have no idea why they're getting attention. (2:29)

Just once I'd like to behaving sex with a guy,

and just have him be like,"Oh, my God, oh my God,

"Jessi... you are sucha wonderful person.

"I had a tree plantedin Israel for you."

[audience laughing]

[applause]

Why never?

Why never?

I hate it when people dosomething to get attention

and then, they pretendlike they have no idea

why they'regetting attention.

Do you knowwhat I mean?

Like, I was in Brooklyna couple of weeks ago

to see a play--You're welcome, and, um,

and I see this guywalking down the street

and he's walkingthese two very adorable,

but very unusuallooking dogs.

And I am obsessedwith dogs.

Like, I'm likea dog pedophile.

You knowwhat I mean?

Like, I hang outoutside the dog park

and I'm justlike, "Yeah."

And, uh, so I'm like,"What kind of dogs are those?"

And I get closer andthen I see that in fact,

they are not dogs.

They are pigs.

This man iswalking two pigs.

And so, I do the onlyreasonable thing to do,

which is like go upto him and I'm like,

"Let's talkabout this."

And he literallylooks at me and he goes,

"Talk about what?"

And I'm like,"Really?"

And the pigs arelike, "Really?

"We wanna talk aboutthis because we're pigs

"and we have no idea wherethe [deleted] we are."

[audience laughing]

And did I mentionthat the pigs

are wearingmatching jackets?

Like, it's notlike this guy's

on, like, the d.l.with his pigs.

Like, they'rein public.

They're dressed!

But I'm nice, youknow, so I'm just like,

"Well, well, whatare they like?

Is it likehaving dogs?"

And he's like, "I guessit's like having dogs

"if dogs were smarterand more affectionate."

And me and the pigs all dolike an eye roll together,

like, a roller-coaster.

And I'm like,"Oh, I get it.

"So, it's sort of how likeyou would be a human being

"if you were nicerand less of a douche?

"Sort of like that?

"Go to hell,pig walker."

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