Christopher Titus - Fatherly Advice

Christopher Titus: The 5th Annual End of the World Tour Season 1, Ep 101 03/17/2007 Views: 12,245

Christopher Titus sits his daughter down to offer her a few pure truths about duct tape, Tupac and television news. (2:40)

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MY WIFE TOLD HIM SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH OUR DAUGHTER.

YEAH, NICE TIMING, NUMB NUTS.

DAD, WHAT DID YOU SAY MY WHOLE LIFE, HUH?

YOU BETTER NOT HAVE A KID.YOU'RE A RETARD.

YOU'LL PROBABLY KILL IT.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU DIDN'T FEED THE DOG WHEN YOU WERE SEVEN?

THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO YOUR KID.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED GRANDPA AROUND TO RAISE THAT KID.

TURNING THAT KID INTO AN ADULT,ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

AND WHAT HAPPENED, HUH? WHAT ELSE DID YOU STUFF UP

MY ASS MY WHOLE LIFE, HUH? STEP UP OR STEP ASIDE, RIGHT?

STEP UP OR STEP ASIDE.AND WHAT HAPPENED, HUH?

WORLD'S COMING APART, I GOT TWO LITTLE KIDS

AND YOU'RE NOT HERE. YOU STEPPED ASIDE.

THAT MEANS I GOT TO STEP...UP.

- OH...FUNNY. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND WHISTLES]

OKAY SMART-ASS.KENNY, COME HERE

GRANDPA WANTS ME TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

COME HERE, LITTLE ONE. COME HERE, BABE. COME HERE.

LISTEN, UM, LOOK,I'M JUST YOUR DAD, OKAY.I'M NOT A SUPERHERO.

AND I CAN'T STOP SOME IDIOT FROM CRASHING AN AIRPLANE

INTO A BUILDING OR BLOWING UP A BUS.

I CAN ONLY BE YOUR DAD AND GIVE YOU A FEW PURE TRUTHS.

NUMBER ONE, DUCT TAPE WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE.

NUMBER TWO...

- TUPAC IS ALIVE. - [LAUGHTER]

BUT I NEED YOU TO KEEP THAT ON THE DL BECAUSE OF SUGE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND NUMBER THREE, AND THIS ISTHE MOST IMPORTANT ONE,

DON'T BE AFRAID OF ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR THE TELEVISION NEWS

'CAUSE THEY'RE LYING TO YOU EVERY NIGHT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE]

AND DON'T BE AFRAID OF FAILURE. BE LIKE YOUR FATHER.

I DON'T FAIL. I SUCCEED AT FINDING WHAT DOESN'T WORK.

[LAUGHTER]

AND BABY, DON'T BE AFRAID THE WORLD'S GONNA COME TO AN END.

IT CAN'T,'CAUSE YOU ARE HERE NOW.

AND I PROMISE, I'M GONNA GET UP EVERYDAY

AND I'M GONNA FIGHT TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE

AS MANY BIRTHDAYS AS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE

BUT I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO GET UP TO FIGHT WITH ME, OKAY?

- OKAY, DADDY, IT'S ON. - [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]