You guys will love him.
From The League, Mr. Paul Scheer, everybody.
Let him hear it.Paul Scheer.
Whenever I leave my house,every morning,
I walk out front,
and there's this big,giant piece of dog shit.
Boom, right thereevery morning,
it's like,"Good morning."
No, not a good morning.Terrible morning.
'Cause now I have to clean upa bunch of dog shit.
And I always say--when I'm cleaning it up,
I'm like,"Oh, man, one day.
"One day, I'm gonna find the guywho shits on my lawn,
"and, oh, he is goingto rue the day.
He is gonna rue the day."
It's gonna be like somethingout of Death Wish,
which is a movieI have not seen,
but I think it is about a guywho hunts down people
whose dog shitson his lawn.
Not positive about that.
So cut to a couple months ago,I have a baby, brand-new baby.
It's very exciting,very cute baby.
My wife and Iare at our house,
and we're, like,super cracked out.
Like, we haven't been outof our pajamas for days,
and my wife came upwith this plan.
She's like, "We have to catchthe dog-shitting guy."
I'm like, "Oh, yeah.We're gonna catch this guy,"
and we create, like,an elaborate sting operation.
We close all of our blinds,
make it look likewe're not home,
and then we just kind of wait.
And we're just peeringout the window,
and when someone comes,we're like, "Honey, come quick.
Aw, no, they picked uptheir shit."
We're actually upset when peoplepick up their dog shit.
We're like, "No."
And then finally,he came,
and I knew it was the guy,
because when he camedown the block,
he looked like--I guess--how can I explain this?
He looked like a home-schooledJohn Goodman, all right?
Walking down the blockvery boldly
with a Bluetooth headsetthat was so big
that even whenBluetooths came out,
it was too big,you know?
He comes.Dogs stop in front of our house.
We're watching, like,"All right, here it goes.
Here it goes."
And the dogs,like synchronized swimmers,
just squatat the same time--boop--
They shit,and the guy just goes--
Looks around,sees our blinds are down.
He's like,"No one can be inside."
He doesn't know.
And he walks off,
and my wife and I--we freak out.
It's like the jackpot,like, "Yes!
"We got him.We got him.
What do we do?"
My wife's like,"You got to go out there.
You got to confront him,"and I'm like,
"No, I can't,'cause I'm a pussy.
So I send my wifeout there,
a woman who hasliterally weeks ago
given birthto a human being,
to confront a large manand two wild animals,
and she goes out there
and then affectswhat I guess what I call,
like, a Downton Abbey accent.
She's like, "Excuse me, sir,your dog defecated on the lawn,
and this requiresimmediate attention."
No one's gonna stopfor that.
The guys just blowsright by her,
and I go, "No one can talkto my wife like that."
And I bust out of the housein my pajamas,
and I run down the street.
I'm like, "Hey, sir,your dog shit on our lawn,"
and then I wait for it.
And he looks at me,and he's like,
"No, they didn't,"and I go, "Yes, they did."
And he goes,"No, they didn't."
And then I realizedI did not have a plan
of how to confrontthis guy.
I want say something else,I don't know what to do,
so I figuredI'd do the next best thing.
I insult his dogs.I look down.
I'm like,"Well, guess what.
This dog's dumb,and this dog's dumber."
I did it.
And the guys looks at me weird,and I'm like...
And I walk back to my wife,and I feel so triumphant.
I'm like, "Did you seehow I just, like,
"slammed that guy's dogs?
She is gonna beso proud of me."
And then as I'm walking away,I hear,
"You're a disgustinghuman being."
And I turn to him,and I go, "I know!"
Screaming, and then I goto approach my wife,
and then he goes,"You two--
You two belong together."
And I approach my wifein a way
that I've never done before.
I put my hand on the smallof her back,
and I tilt her over,like, in a Gone with the Wind
and I'm like--
And I give him the finger.I'm like, "Take that."
And he leaves,and then I feel so triumphant.
And then I look downat the ground,
and I seea giant pile of shit
that I still haveto clean up,
and then I realizethat I left my child inside
unattendedfor, like, 15 minutes,
'cause I ama terrible parent.
Thank you guys so much.
[cheers and applause]