I'm a conspiracy theorist,
but all my conspiraciesare so low-rent,
nobody else wantsto entertain them with me.
Like, I'll try and talkwith other conspiracy theorists,
but I'm like theRudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
of conspiracy theorists,just trying to chime in.
"Obviously,the mafia killed JFK,
because it'd be advantageousfor them."
I'm like, "I think Trader Joe'sparking lots
"are made too small on purposejust to make them seem
like they're more popularthan they really are."
"That proves nothing.
"Why are you even here, man?
"Anyway, obviously,the moon landing was fake
"just so we could gainmore funding for NASA,
"'cause it's reallyjust a military complex
that we're putting into space."
"I think that--excuse me.
"I think that the FDA
"is just making upexpiration dates on food,
"because they'rein bed with Kraft,
"just trying to get youto buy condiments
"when you don't really have to,
"because mayonnaisedoesn't get old.
"It just becomes Miracle Whip.
That's the miracle."
You know what that little extratang that you taste in there is?
You know what that is?