if I am at all sluggishduring my set tonight.
I, uh, played a couple hoursof touch football...
the day after Thanksgiving.
I've, uh, not yet recovered.
I went to the doctorthe other day.
He was asking me all thesesocial health questions.
He was, like, "Do you smoke?"
I was, like, "No."
He was, like, "Do you do drugs?"
I was, like, "No."
He was, like, "Do you drink?"
I was, like,"Sometimes, but not a lot.
"But sometimes a lot.
And sometimes a real lot."
He was, like, "All right,uh, get out of my office.
I'll see you in ten years."
'Cause I don't knowabout you guys,
but when you're in the peakphysical condition that I am in,
you need only go to the doctoron the decade.
But as I was walkingout of his office,
I realized he didn't ask meany questions about sex.
Yeah, he didn't ask meany sexy questions.
It's kind of like he was justgoing down his list,
and he was, like, uh...
Yeah, we're gonna sayprobably not on that one.
Uh... spare him thathumiliation.
Kid's wearing sweatpants.
I, uh... I come to you tonight
from a crappy little city justsouth of Boston, Massachusetts
Not a thing that shouldget whooed, but, uh...
We, uh... we banned dog racingin Massachusetts,
and, uh,we decriminalized marijuana.
Yeah, so it's kind of like
they switched places.
You know, like dog racingbecame illegal.
Marijuana becamea little more legal.
Look, I can't waittill a couple years from now.
Parents are going upto their kids' bedrooms,
knocking on the door,being like, uh,
"Are you guys racing dogsin there?
"'Cause it kind of smellslike you're racing dogs, and
"you guys got to be careful'cause that's a gateway
to horseracing and..."
Or, like, cops are going upto kids in the city,
being, like, "Hey, buddy,you racing dogs over there?"
And the kid's like,"Yo, can't a brother
just walk two dogs really fastat the same time?"
Actually, in California now,
you can get a prescriptionfor medical dog racing
if you have glaucomaor anxiety, so...
It's like little steps.
I just got married a coupleweeks ago and, uh...
My only responsibilityduring the wedding
was to get the groomsmen gifts.
It's the only thing I had to do,which is a tough job
because what do you getfor the guys
that have done nothingfor the last two years but try
and talk you out of the reasonfor having to get them gifts.
I saw a Web site said, "Youcan't go wrong with a flask."
And I was like, "That's perfectbecause I only ask
"degenerate alcoholicswho like to drink on the sly
"to stand up for meat my wedding,
so they would reallyappreciate a flask."
A flask isan interesting object,
because if youbuy yourself a flask,
you know you havea drinking problem.
But if somebodygives you a flask,
you knowyou havea drinking problem...
you know you havea friend who knows
you have a drinking problem,
and you know you have a friendwho does not care at all
about your drinking problem.
We had a bachelor party.
We didn't get any strippers,but we did get an erotic cake.
Uh, which to a big, fat guyis just as good.
It was like a stripper cake,
uh, but a stripperthat didn't have a head
or legs or arms.
So it was like a really gooderotic cake, but it was also,
like, a really good crime sceneinvestigation cake.
Like we werecutting into the cake
like we were doing an autopsy.
I was, like,"I think this cake died
from being too delicious."
We, uh, we dated for a longtime-- me and my wife.
Uh, we dated for ten years before we got married.
And the first datewe ever went on,
we went and played mini golf.
And I had always heardthat if you want a relationship
to blossom out of somethingcompetitive,
you want to letthe other person win.
And apparently,she heard the same thing.
So I don't know if you guys haveseen two 15-year-olds
try and throw a mini gold gamefor each other, but...
by the fifth hole I was playingso bad, I was like,
"This girl thinks I'm retarded."
And by the tenth hole, she wasplaying so bad, I was like,
"I asked out a retarded girl...