Kirk Fox - Tantric Sex

  • Season 12 , Ep 19
  • 01/11/2008
  • Views: 17,861

Tantric sex is like building a sandwich that gets knocked out of your hand at the last minute. (4:46)

I MET A GIRL THE OTHER DAY.SHE'S INTO TANTRIC SEX.

AND TANTRIC SEX IS WHERE,YOU KNOW,

YOU MAKE LOVEAND YOU DON'T CLIMAX.

AND I'M LIKE, "LET'S GO."

I'M LIKE, "LET'S DO IT.I GOT YOUR BACK.

I CAN GUARANTEETHAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU --I MIGHT.

"I PRACTICE CLIMAXING,AND I'M REALLY GOOD AT IT.

"I CAN DO IT ALMOST EVERY TIME.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LOOK,YOU KNOW?"

I LOOK AT TANTRIC SEXLIKE THIS --

SAY YOU SPEND ALL DAYBUILDING A SANDWICH.

JUST BEFORE YOU TAKE A BITE,

SOMEONE KNOCKS ITOUT OF YOUR HAND

AND FLUSHES ITDOWN THE TOILET.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I PRACTICE --YOU KNOW WHAT I PRACTICE?

TANTRUM SEX.

IF I DON'T CLIMAX,I JUST FALL TO THE FLOOR,

AND I KICK AND SCREAMUNTIL SOMEONE COMES BACK TO BED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN SHE'S LIKE,"DO YOU PRACTICE SAFE SEX?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I PRACTICE.

"BUT SOMETIMESWHEN THE BIG GAME COMES AROUND,

I FORGET EVERYTHING I LEARNEDIN PRACTICE, YOU KNOW?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW THAT EVERY CONDOMIN THE WORLD

HAS AN EXPIRATION DATEOF APRIL 2011?

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING DOWNAPRIL 2011?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING DOWNAPRIL 2011.

I KNOW WHAT'S GOING DOWNMARCH 2011.

LOT OF LOVIN'.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WANT A CONDOM THAT EXPIRESIN AN HOUR.

LIKE, "HONEY, WE GOT TO USETHIS THING.

"IT'S GOING BAD AS WE SPEAK.

"NOT GONNA LOSE MONEY ON THIS.ALREADY BOUGHT A HOUSE.

I'M NOT GONNA REALLYGO INTO BANKRUPTCY FOR YOU."

AND EVERY CONDOM SAYS,"FOR HER PLEASURE."

THERE'S NOT A CONDOM THAT SAYS,"FOR HIS PLEASURE."

IF THERE WAS A CONDOM THAT SAID,"FOR HIS PLEASURE,"

YOU'D TEAR IT OPEN,AND IT WOULD BE EMPTY.

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERING ]

LAST THING I'M GONNA SAYABOUT MOUNT EVEREST.

I DID TRY AND CLIMB IT.

LET ME EXPLAINREALLY WHAT WENT DOWN.

SEVEN YEARS AGO, MY DAD DIED,AND HE HAD A GREAT LONG LIFE.

AND THE LAST THING HE SAIDTO ME, HE'S LIKE,

"PUT MY ASHESAT THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I DIDN'T --DID HE SAY SOMETHING?

IS HE GONE?I DIDN'T HEAR THAT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE'S LIKE --PULLED ME IN LITTLE CLOSER --

HE'S LIKE, "PUT MY ASHESAT THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST.

THAT'S ALL I WANT."

LIKE, "I DIDN'T KNOWYOU WANTED THAT."

HE'S LIKE, "I'VE ALWAYS WANTEDTO GO TO THE TOP."

I'M LIKE,"YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BODY SURF.

MAYBE I COULD PUT THEMIN WAIKIKI."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'S LIKE, "NO."SO I TRAINED.

I TRAINED FOR LIKE FOUR YEARS,AND THEN THIS LAST MAY...

JUST I WENT OVER THERE.

I WAS FLYING OVER THERE, AND IWAS STARTING TO GET SCARED.

AND WE'RE FLYING INTO KATHMANDU, I LOOK AT EVEREST,

AND I'M LIKE,"HEY, CAN YOU OPEN THE DOOR?

MAYBE I COULD JUSTTHROW HIM OUT, YOU KNOW?"

"DOES THAT COUNT?"AND THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, DON'T."

AND I TRIED ANYWAY.

SO I LANDED AT KATHMANDU.

AND AT THE AIRPORT, I METALL MY GUIDES AND EVERYTHING,

AND I STARTED HYPERVENTILATINGAT BAGGAGE CLAIM.

AND IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

"IF I NEED OXYGENAT BAGGAGE CLAIM,

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPENAT BASE CAMP?"

SO I SAW MY SHERPA,

AND I WAS LIKE, "DUDE,YOU'RE GOING TO THE TOP, RIGHT?"

AND HE'S LIKE,"YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I DO."

I'M LIKE, "DO ME A FAVOR.

"JUST TAKE THESE ASHES FOR MEAND JUST PUT THEM AT THE TOP.

"I'LL PAY YOU.I'LL GIVE YOU A WALKMAN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"PICTURE OF AN iPHONE.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT'S BIG OVER HERE."

AND HE TOOK THE ASHES.

HE STARTED WALKINGACROSS THE STREET,

AND HE TRIPPED.

AND HE SPILLED MY DAD'S ASHESON THE STREET, ON THE YAK.

THE YAK WAS LIKE, "WHOA!"

THE YAK WAS LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"DUDE, I GOT NO HANDS.I DIDN'T DO THIS."

THE SHERPA'S LIKE,"HEY, YOU KNOW..."

AND I LOOKED AT THE ASHESON THE YAK AND...

ON THE SHERPA, AND I...

LOOKED AT EVERESTIN THE DISTANCE,

AND I WAS JUST LIKE,"CLOSE ENOUGH."

YOU GUYS,THAT'S MY TIME UP HERE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

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