Uncensored - Steve Rannazzisi - Ordering a Pizza Pt. 1

11/16/13 Views: 18,325

Steve Rannazzisi tries to keep things simple by ordering a pizza for dinner, but that proves to be more complicated than he thought. (2:26)

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WHEN I LIVED IN CALIFORNIA,THEY HAVE MEDICAL MARIJUANA,

SO I WAS SICKALL THE TIME THAT I LIVED THERE.

I WAS VERY, VERY ILL.

BUT NOW I LIVE IN NEW YORK.I HAD TO GET A DRUG DEALER.

WHICH WAS --YEAH, A DRUG DEALER.

2013, I NEED A DRUG DEALER.

THIS IS HOW I GOT MY GUY.

I HAD SMOKED A JOINT ONE NIGHT,AND THEN MY WIFE'S LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DOFOR DINNER TONIGHT?

WE GOT TO FIGURE THIS OUT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "BABE,LET'S JUST ORDER A PIZZA.

LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE TONIGHT,OKAY?"

SO, I ORDER THE PIZZA,

AND THE GUY ON THE PHONETELLS ME

IT'S GONNA BE A HALF-HOUR.

GREAT.

40 MINUTES GOES BY, NO PIZZA.

SO NOW THE PRESSURESTARTS TO BUILD UP.

OH, YEAH.

AND MY WIFE AND I START TO PLAYOUR FAVORITE GAME,

CALLED"PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE SOFTBALL,"

WHERE SHE HEAVESTHESE LOADED QUESTIONS MY WAY,

AND I JUST HAVE TO GENTLYBAT THEM OUT OF THE WAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YEAH.

"WHICH PIZZA PLACEDID YOU ORDER FROM?"

I'M LIKE, "OH, PATIO."

"HOW LONG DID THEY SAYIT WAS GONNA BE?"

"UH...ABOUT 30 MINUTES."

"WELL, WHAT TIMEIS IT GONNA BE HERE?"

I'M LIKE, "WELL,WHEN IT GETS HERE,

RUN AND LOOK AT THE CLOCK."

BANG.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S NOT A NICE THINGTO SAY TO YOUR WIFE.

I KNOW THAT.

BUT I WAS UPSET,

BECAUSE SHE KEPT BOTHERING ME

ABOUT WHEN IT WASGONNA GET THERE.

AND I DON'T KNOWIF YOU GUYS KNOW,

BUT THERE'S A NEW UNWRITTEN RULEIN AMERICA

THAT WHOEVER ORDERS THE PIZZA

IS NOW IN CHARGE OFTHE ENTIRE PIZZA PROCESS --

YEAH, BEGINNING TO END --

SAUCE QUALITY, CRUST SIZE,PEPPERONI DISTRIBUTION.

IT'S ALL ON YOUR SHOULDERS.

YOU PICKED UP THE PHONE.

SO NOW MORE AND MORE TIME'SGOING BY.

AND I WAS PARANOIDAT THIS POINT.

AND, GUYS,I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I WAS...LIKE 90% SURETHAT I ORDERED THE PIZZA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THERE'S STILL THAT 10% THATFLOATS AROUND IN YOUR BRAIN,

BEING LIKE, "DID I JUST CALL MYDAD AND TELL HIM I LIKE PIZZA?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE I LOVE PIZZA.HE LOVES PIZZA, TOO.

WE LOVE PIZZA.

YOU COULD PUT PEPPERONIS ON ITOR SAUSAGE, MUSHROOMS --

WHATEVER YOU WANT.

BUT I DID. I ORDERED IT.I DID.

BECAUSE 10 MINUTES LATER,THERE WAS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

I OPEN IT UP.

THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY'SSTANDING THERE.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, HEY, MAN,HOW'S IT GOING?"

AND HE LOOKS RIGHT AT MEAND GOES,

"WELL, NOT GOOD, BECAUSEI FORGOT YOUR FUCKING PIZZA!"

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