Kathleen Madigan - Insult to Injury

  • Season 3 , Ep 5
  • 07/04/2000
  • Views: 10,982

Figure skating teams must get really mad at each other all the time. (2:26)

THAT'S A GOOD TIME-KILLER.

FIGURE SKATING IS MY FAVORITE,

'CAUSE I ALWAYS WANTEDTO BE A FIGURE SKATER AS A KID,

BUT WHENEVER I WATCH THAT,I THINK,

"GOD, I WOULD HAVEDONE IT ALONE."

I DON'T KNOW HOW THESE PEOPLEHAVE THE PATIENCE

TO BE IN A LITTLE TEAMWITH A PARTNER,

'CAUSE IF I PRACTICEDWITH SOME GUY FOR TEN YEARS

AND WE GOT TO THE OLYMPICSAND HE FELL,

OH, MY GOD, I'D SKATE AROUNDJUST TO CHOP OFF A FINGER

BEFORE HE GOT UP.

I'D SKATE UPTO THAT JUDGE AND SAY,

"I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEAWHO THAT MAN IS.

"HE'S STALKING ME,

"AND I WOULD LIKE HIM REMOVEDFROM THE BUILDING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY HIS OUTFITMATCHES MINE."

THE DRAG ABOUT WATCHINGFIGURE SKATING, THOUGH,

IS YOU GOT TO LISTENTO DICK BUTTON ANNOUNCE IT.

AND FOR YOU GUYSWHO DON'T WATCH FIGURE SKATING,

I'LL CATCH YOU UP REAL QUICK.

DICK BUTTON WON A GOLD MEDALIN FIGURE SKATING IN 1884, OKAY?

AND HE'S HYPER-CONDESCENDING,AND HE'S MEAN.

IT'S LIKE THESE PEOPLE'SFAMILIES ARE WATCHING.

WHEN THEY SUCK, I THINK WE KNOW

THEY JUST SKATED INTO A WALLAND THEY'RE BLEEDING.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY REASONTO KEEP GOING ON ABOUT IT.

OH, HE'S RELENTLESS.

"WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS THESE TWOHAVE NO GRACE, ATHLETIC TALENT,

AND/OR ABILITY, AND SHOULDN'TEVEN BE IN THE RINK.

YOU JUST WANT TO GO,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOURFAT, BALD ASS OUT THERE

"DOING A TRIPLE LUTZ, 'CAUSEWHEN YOU WON THE GOLD MEDAL,

WHAT WAS REQUIRED TO WIN GOLD?"

YOU HAD TO BE ABLE TO, LIKE,SKATE BACKWARDS AND WAVE.

IT WAS LIKE--

[laughter]

I'VE SEEN THE MOVIES.

AND THOSE PEOPLEARE SO MUCH YOUNGER NOW.

IT'S GETTING RIDICULOUSLY YOUNG.

I MEAN, THE LAST GOLD MEDALWINNER, TARA LIPINSKI,

14 YEARS OLD,WINS THE GOLD MEDAL

THEN GOES HOME TO DETROITAND WRITES AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY.

WHEN YOU'RE 14,WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY SO FAR?

YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN HOW TO WRITEFOR SEVEN YEARS.

[laughter]

"CHAPTER ONE:MATH IS REALLY HARD.

"I CAN'T UNLOADTHESE GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.

"THEY ORDER THEM,AND THEN THEY MOVE.

IT'S BULL[bleep]."

14 YEARS OLD.

YOU DON'T WANT TO WINA GOLD MEDAL WHEN YOU'RE 14.

YOU DON'T WANT TO PEAKTHAT EARLY IN LIFE.

YOU'LL NEVER BE NORMAL.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL SHOOT THEHEROIN RIGHT IN YOUR EYEBALL

AND GO DIRECTLY TO REHAB.

YOU'RE EATING CEREAL,AND YOU'RE ON THE BOX?

THAT'S GOTTA [bleep] YOU UP.

THERE'S NO WAY AROUND THAT.

HARD FOR ME TO WATCHANY OF THESE--

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