I'M GONNA GET ANOTHER APPLAUSE,
WE JUST HAD A BABY.
MY WIFE AND I JUST HAD A NEW
BABY.
A BABY BOY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
I WAS THERE FOR THE WHOLE BIRTH
PROCESS.
FIRST WE HAD TO INTERVIEW THE
DOCTOR WHO WAS GOING TO DELIVER.
THE OBGYN, SOUNDS LIKE A
STAR WARS CHARACTER DOESN'T IT?
"OOOOHHH, THE OBGYN, OOOHHH."
"IS YOUR WIFE NAKED, NAKED
SHE WILL BE."
[LAUGHTER]
I WAS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE
WITH THIS INTERVIEW.
WE HAD TO INTERVIEW THE DOCTOR
WHO WAS GOING TO DELIVER AND
HE'S LIKE THIS REALLY
GOOD-LOOKING DOCTOR YA KNOW.
I'M NOT GAY BUT I'D BONE THIS
GUY LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WE'RE SITTING THERE MY WIFE
IS SMILING AWAY.
ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE STANDS UP,
SHE PULLS HER PANTS DOWN!
I'M, HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO
THAT?
YOU DIDN'T EVEN BUY HER DINNER!
THEN HE PULLS A CAMERA OUT.
I SAID, "I BEEN TRYING THAT
[BLEEP] FOR SIX MONTHS!"
[LAUGHTER]
WE DID THE WHOLE BIRTH PROCESS.
I WAS THERE FOR THE UH,
WE DID THE NATURAL CHILDBIRTH.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS,
THE LAMAZE YA KNOW.
AND THAT WAS, YA KNOW, WE DID
ALL THE REHEARSAL I'M THERE,
"OKAY HERE WE GO HONEY,
HEE HEE, HOO HOO."
SHE ABANDONS THE WHOLE THING,
GRABS ME BY THE NECK,
"EPIDURAL, EPIDURAL!"
I'M IN THE HALLWAY FREAKING OUT,
"WHERE'S DR. EPIDURAL?"
"GET HIM IN HERE NOW.
SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!"
THIS GUY COMES IN THERE AND
HE HOOKS HER UP WITH THIS STUFF,
SHE'S LIKE, "HELLO ANGEL!"
SHE'S IN A GOOD MOOD.
LOVIN' ME.
I GOT THAT ON SPEED DIAL.
AND THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHAT
THE BABIES LOOK LIKE WHEN THEY
COME OUT.
I THOUGH IT'D COME OUT LIKE
A DOLL YA KNOW.
INSTEAD IT COMES...
"ARRRR...
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
"WHOA, WHOA, PUT HIM BACK IN,
HE'S GOT TO BAKE A LITTLE WHILE
LONGER!"
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
MY WIFE'S A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN.
SHE GAVE BIRTH TO AN ALIEN.
HE'S BALD WITH A POINT ON HIS
HEAD.
PEOPLE GO, "AWE, HE LOOKS LIKE
YOU."
AS IF I WAS FROM NEPTUNE!
I GOT TO SAND DOWN THE POINT
AND GIVE HIM ROGAINE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THEY GIVE YOU A LOT OF HELP
THERE WHEN YOU RAISE KIDS,
YA KNOW.
WE HAVE ANOTHER BOY, JUSTIN.
AND JUSTIN AND JARED NOW AND
AS YA KNOW AS SOON AS THEY'RE
BORN WE PUT THEM IN HIS CRIB,
LISTENS TO BABY MOZART PUTS HIM
TO SLEEP, SUPPOSED TO MAKE HIM
SMARTER.
WHEN I WAS A KID IN MY CRIB
IN PHILADELPHIA, I WAS LISTENING
TO MY GREAT AUNT CHAIN SMOKING
MARLBORO REDS SINGING ME A
LULLABY.
[IN HUSKY VOICE] "AND WHEN
THE BOW BREAKS...
THE CRADLE WILL FALL...
DOWN WILL COME CRAIGY...
[HACKS]
HERE PLAY WITH MY SMOKE RINGS."
THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY HAVE SO MANY DIFFERENT
THINGS NOW.
MY SON JUSTIN HE LOVES
THOMAS THE TRAIN.
YOU EVER HEAR OF THIS
THOMAS THE TRAIN?
THE TANK ENGINES OF THIS LITTLE
TRAIN.
THEY NAME THEM DONALD AND TOBY.
ONE DAY JUSTIN HAS A BUNCH
OF THEM SPREAD OUT IN THE
RESTAURANT ON THE TABLE
AND THE WAITRESS COMES OVER
AND SHE GOES, "THAT'S THOMAS
THE TANK ENGINE, IS THOMAS
YOUR FAVORITE?"
AND JUSTIN SAYS, "NO I LIKE
PERTHY."
PERCY'S ONE OF THE TRAINS.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE CAN'T
PRONOUNCE HIS R'S YET.
IMAGINE MY HORROR THE WHOLE
RESTAURANT HEARS MY 4 YEAR-OLD
BLURT OUT, "I LIKE, PUTHSSY."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S DADDY'S FAVORITE TRAIN,
TOO!
[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUE]