I'M GONNA GET ANOTHER APPLAUSE,

WE JUST HAD A BABY.

MY WIFE AND I JUST HAD A NEW

BABY.

A BABY BOY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

I WAS THERE FOR THE WHOLE BIRTH

PROCESS.

FIRST WE HAD TO INTERVIEW THE

DOCTOR WHO WAS GOING TO DELIVER.

THE OBGYN, SOUNDS LIKE A

STAR WARS CHARACTER DOESN'T IT?

"OOOOHHH, THE OBGYN, OOOHHH."

"IS YOUR WIFE NAKED, NAKED

SHE WILL BE."

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE

WITH THIS INTERVIEW.

WE HAD TO INTERVIEW THE DOCTOR

WHO WAS GOING TO DELIVER AND

HE'S LIKE THIS REALLY

GOOD-LOOKING DOCTOR YA KNOW.

I'M NOT GAY BUT I'D BONE THIS

GUY LET ME TELL YA SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE'RE SITTING THERE MY WIFE

IS SMILING AWAY.

ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE STANDS UP,

SHE PULLS HER PANTS DOWN!

I'M, HOW THE HELL DID YOU DO

THAT?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN BUY HER DINNER!

THEN HE PULLS A CAMERA OUT.

I SAID, "I BEEN TRYING THAT

[BLEEP] FOR SIX MONTHS!"

[LAUGHTER]

WE DID THE WHOLE BIRTH PROCESS.

I WAS THERE FOR THE UH,

WE DID THE NATURAL CHILDBIRTH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS,

THE LAMAZE YA KNOW.

AND THAT WAS, YA KNOW, WE DID

ALL THE REHEARSAL I'M THERE,

"OKAY HERE WE GO HONEY,

HEE HEE, HOO HOO."

SHE ABANDONS THE WHOLE THING,

GRABS ME BY THE NECK,

"EPIDURAL, EPIDURAL!"

I'M IN THE HALLWAY FREAKING OUT,

"WHERE'S DR. EPIDURAL?"

"GET HIM IN HERE NOW.

SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!"

THIS GUY COMES IN THERE AND

HE HOOKS HER UP WITH THIS STUFF,

SHE'S LIKE, "HELLO ANGEL!"

SHE'S IN A GOOD MOOD.

LOVIN' ME.

I GOT THAT ON SPEED DIAL.

AND THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHAT

THE BABIES LOOK LIKE WHEN THEY

COME OUT.

I THOUGH IT'D COME OUT LIKE

A DOLL YA KNOW.

INSTEAD IT COMES...

"ARRRR...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"WHOA, WHOA, PUT HIM BACK IN,

HE'S GOT TO BAKE A LITTLE WHILE

LONGER!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

MY WIFE'S A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN.

SHE GAVE BIRTH TO AN ALIEN.

HE'S BALD WITH A POINT ON HIS

HEAD.

PEOPLE GO, "AWE, HE LOOKS LIKE

YOU."

AS IF I WAS FROM NEPTUNE!

I GOT TO SAND DOWN THE POINT

AND GIVE HIM ROGAINE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY GIVE YOU A LOT OF HELP

THERE WHEN YOU RAISE KIDS,

YA KNOW.

WE HAVE ANOTHER BOY, JUSTIN.

AND JUSTIN AND JARED NOW AND

AS YA KNOW AS SOON AS THEY'RE

BORN WE PUT THEM IN HIS CRIB,

LISTENS TO BABY MOZART PUTS HIM

TO SLEEP, SUPPOSED TO MAKE HIM

SMARTER.

WHEN I WAS A KID IN MY CRIB

IN PHILADELPHIA, I WAS LISTENING

TO MY GREAT AUNT CHAIN SMOKING

MARLBORO REDS SINGING ME A

LULLABY.

[IN HUSKY VOICE] "AND WHEN

THE BOW BREAKS...

THE CRADLE WILL FALL...

DOWN WILL COME CRAIGY...

[HACKS]

HERE PLAY WITH MY SMOKE RINGS."

THAT'S A TRUE STORY.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAVE SO MANY DIFFERENT

THINGS NOW.

MY SON JUSTIN HE LOVES

THOMAS THE TRAIN.

YOU EVER HEAR OF THIS

THOMAS THE TRAIN?

THE TANK ENGINES OF THIS LITTLE

TRAIN.

THEY NAME THEM DONALD AND TOBY.

ONE DAY JUSTIN HAS A BUNCH

OF THEM SPREAD OUT IN THE

RESTAURANT ON THE TABLE

AND THE WAITRESS COMES OVER

AND SHE GOES, "THAT'S THOMAS

THE TANK ENGINE, IS THOMAS

YOUR FAVORITE?"

AND JUSTIN SAYS, "NO I LIKE

PERTHY."

PERCY'S ONE OF THE TRAINS.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE CAN'T

PRONOUNCE HIS R'S YET.

IMAGINE MY HORROR THE WHOLE

RESTAURANT HEARS MY 4 YEAR-OLD

BLURT OUT, "I LIKE, PUTHSSY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S DADDY'S FAVORITE TRAIN,

TOO!

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUE]