We're only a week into our newpumpkin spice presidency,
and #BoycottStarbucksis already trending.
My question is,when are they going to start
-girl-cotting Starbucks,you guys? -MYRIN: Hey!
-I mean, real cotts have curves!-MYRIN: Yeah!
-(applause & cheering) -Hey!-I love the audience enthusiasm.
Uh, first of all, no, I will(bleep) never boycott Starbucks.
Starbucks has beenthrough boycotts before.
Cups not Christmasy enough,cups too red,
too much supportfor gay marriage,
seasonal lattes too seasonal.
That weird guy in the westrestroom is taking way too long.
What's...?Codes for the bathroom.
Why can't I just go in and dropa deuce on the floor?
Comedians, why boycottStarbucks trending this time?
Instead of saying"Merry Christmas,
the cups now just say,"Jesus is a cuck."
-(laughter and groaning)-HARDWICK: All right, points.
I'm tired of the Wi-Fi going outright when I'm about to nut.
-HARDWICK: All right.-That's right.
I go to Wi-Fito watch my lady porn, Chris.
-(laughter)-HARDWICK: That's great.
How...? I'm just curious.
How much nuttingare you doing these days?
Oh, you know, I...
I'm boycotting Starbucks 'causethey always misspell my name.
It's, like, it's "Moshe,"
you know, not"Bitch-ass Jew-looking nerd."
-(laughter) -HARDWICK:All right, yeah. points.
-(Joe DeRosa whoops) -I'm like,that doesn't even sound similar.
-(applause and cheering)-They don't sound similar.
'Cause those are allgood answers,
but they are completely wrong,and you should be embarrassed
and ashamed at yourselffor not knowing this, guys.
Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz,
seen herewith the tiniest cup available,
which, by the way,make Trump's hands look huge...
...will hire 10,000 refugeesaround the world
over the next five years.
Some people are upsetabout this, 'cause
I guess they think
Starbucks should be hiringAmericans first,
not people from war-torncountries, who they also worry,
at some point, could becometerrorists, I guess.
I don't know. I guess.
Starbucks will not seea goddamn dime from those people
who are mad until they're at amall and they want some coffee.
And also, can they geta blueberry scone?
You know what? I don't have timefor you to heat it up.
This is a boycott!
But I do want to make a pointabout these two things.
Number one, hirings willtake place all over the world,
it's not just America.
Uh, and Starbucks saysthey're focusing on the refugees
who've workedwith the U.S. military.
So it's just,people just want to be upset.
-(cheering)-People just want to be upset.
-(people whistling)-And like I said... do not...
They would have to be...You know, the-the spice
that they put on topof the chai sometimes
would have to be madeof ground orphans
for me to go,"Okay, I've had it."
-(laughter)-But that's about it.
I'm sorry. No. I boycott them.
Ev... They...Even in China Starbucks,
they gotta hire American!Absolutely!
-HARDWICK: Everywhere.-(laughter, whooping)
-I know.-I don't... I don't think
about my political positionswhatsoever,
but my gut tells methis is wrong.