John Oliver - Americans and World Records

  • Season 1 , Ep 4
  • 01/29/2010
  • Views: 14,134

Most Guinness world records are ridiculous, and Americans are good at that sh*t. (3:43)

ARE HELD BY AMERICAN CITIZENS.

THERE IS A VERY GOOD REASONFOR THIS,

AND THAT IS THAT MOST GUINNESSWORLD RECORDS

ARE RIDICULOUS,AND YOU ARE GOOD AT THAT...

THAT'S WHYYOU'RE SO DOMINANT.

ONLY THREE HUMAN BEINGSHAVE EVER JOGGED

ACROSS THE SAHARA DESERT.

WHERE ARE THEY FROM?

DO YOU REALLY NEED METO ANSWER THAT FOR YOU?

DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEARTS,YOU KNOW.(laughter)

THREE AMERICANS JOGGING

ACROSS ONE OF THE LEASTHOSPITABLE PLACES ON EARTH.

iPods, THAT'S RIGHT.

iPods DANGLINGOUT OF THEIR EARS.

THEY'RE SAYING, "THIS HAS NEVERBEEN DONE BEFORE."

NO...IT HASN'T.I'M JUST SAYING.(laughter)

(panting)

I WANTED TO SEE IFTHIS THEORY STOOD UP,

SO I ACTUALLY GOTA GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS,

AND I PULLED OUT SOME RECORDSAT RANDOM JUST TO SEE

WHO HAD DOMINATED THAT FIELD,AND LET'S SEE.

HERE'S ONE--

MOST LIVE RATTLESNAKESHELD IN THE MOUTH.

(laughter)

"TEN" IS THE ANSWERTO THAT UNEXPECTED QUESTION.

(laughter)

TEN SNAKES HELDBY THE MOUTH

DANGLING FROM TAIL.

WHO DID THAT?JACK BIBBY DID IT.

WHEN? 2006.

WHAT COUNTRY IS HE FROM?YOU'RE SITTING ON IT.

(laughter and applause)

AND THE FACT YOU HAVERESPONDED LIKE THAT

PROVES THAT THISIS ALREADY THE CASE.

(laughter)

I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THATWHEN JACK BIBBY

HAD NINE RATTLESNAKESHANGING FROM HIS MOUTH,

THERE WAS ONLY ONE THOUGHTIN HIS INSPIRED AMERICAN HEAD,

THAT THOUGHT BEING,

"I'M PRETTY SURE I COULD FITONE MORE IN."

(laughter)

THAT FOR ME IS THE SINGLEGREATEST DISTILLATION

OF THE AMERICAN DREAMI HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHINGYOU SET YOUR MIND TO

JUST DON'T THINK TOO MUCH ABOUTWHAT THAT THING MIGHT BE.

(laughter)

"I COULD FIT ONE MORE IN.I COULD.

I MEAN, I KNOW I SHOULDN'T,BUT I CAN, SO I WILL."

(laughter)

LET'S TRY ANOTHER.

OLDEST MALE STRIPPER.OOH! OOH!

CHERISH THESE FINAL FEW MOMENTS

WHERE YOU DON'T KNOWTHE ANSWER TO THIS.

(laughter)

YOU'RE GONNA LOOK BACK ONTHIS TIME IN YOUR LIFE

WITH SUCH FONDNESS,

SUCH AN INNOCENT TIME THAT WASTAKEN AWAY SO QUICKLY.

HE'S 75...(audience groans)

WHO IS HE?BERNIE PARKER.

OKAY.WHERE'S HE FROM?

THIS, ACTUALLY, WILL COMEAS NO SURPRISE--

MIAMI, FLORIDA.(laughter)

THAT IS SUPPLY AND DEMANDRIGHT THERE.

(laughter)

THAT IS CAPITALISMAT ITS BEST AND WORST.

AND FINALLY,

LARGEST GATHERINGOF PEOPLE DRESSED AS GORILLAS.

OOH.(laughter)

OKAY, IT'S ON.

IT IS ON.

637 IS THE RECORD.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?1999.

WHERE? ...YOU.LONDON, ENGLAND.

...YOU....YOU.

WE DID THAT!WE DID THAT!(applause)

NO ONE IS BETTER AT DRESSING UPAS GORILLAS THAN US.

(applause)

AND PLEASE DON'T TRYAND BREAK THAT RECORD,

IT'S PRETTY MUCHALL WE'VE GOT LEFT NOW.

(laughter)

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