Demetri Martin - Fifth Person

Martin, Holcomb, Bergreen, The Amazing Johnathan Season 4, Ep 0401 01/01/2001 Views: 69,800

Demetri Martin writes the first book in the fifth person perspective. (4:05)

ALL RIGHT.

LET ME-- I JUST GOT TO GET SOME

ENERGY HERE.

I, UH, I'M TRYING TO GET SOME

ENERGY.

I'VE BEEN DRINKING A LOT OF

COFFEE LATELY, AND I USUALLY GO

TO THE DINER IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD

TO GET THE COFFEE.

AND I USED TO EAT THERE ALL THE

TIME, BUT NOT SO MUCH ANYMORE,

NOT SINCE THE TIME I WENT TO USE

THEIR BATHROOM AND I SAW A SIGN

THAT SAID, "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH

HANDS... ESPECIALLY CARL."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M TRYING TO BE MORE CREATIVE

LATELY.

I'M WORKING ON A BOOK RIGHT NOW.

I'M PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT IT

BECAUSE SOME AUTHORS WRITE IN

FIRST PERSON AND OTHERS WRITE

IN THIRD PERSON, BUT I'M WRITING

MY BOOK IN FIFTH PERSON.

SO EVERY SENTENCE STARTS OUT

WITH "I HEARD FROM THIS GUY

WHO TOLD SOMEBODY..."

IT'S GONNA BE A LONG BOOK.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK THE WORST TIME TO HAVE

A HEART ATTACK IS DURING A GAME

OF CHARADES.

(LAUGHTER)

ESPECIALLY IF YOUR TEAMMATES

ARE BAD GUESSERS.

"GAME OVER" MEANS GAME OVER.

ON THURSDAY I CHANGED THE NAMES

OF ALL MY FISH.

AND THEY DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND...

ESPECIALLY DEAD TONY.

(LAUGHTER)

ONE OF MY FRIENDS JUST SPENT

$700 FOR A COUCH THAT TURNS INTO

A BED.

AND I SAID TO HIM, "DUDE,

YOU WASTED YOUR MONEY.

EVERY COUCH TURNS INTO A BED.

YOU JUST GOT TO LIE ON IT LONG

WAYS."

AND IF YOU DRINK ENOUGH BEER,

EVERYTHING TURNS INTO A BED.

AND A LITTLE MORE MAKES

EVERYTHING A TOILET.

(LAUGHTER)

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO I WENT

INTO A SPORTING GOODS STORE

AND I BOUGHT A MUSCLE SHIRT...

THOSE THINGS SHOULD COME WITH A

WARNING: MAY LOWER SELF-ESTEEM.

GEEZ.

LAST WEEK I LOST MY TEMPER IN MY

KARATE CLASS.

MAN, I'M NOT DOING THAT AGAIN

UNTIL I'M A BLACK BELT.

'CAUSE I CAN TELL YOU, THERE'S

A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TAKING

KARATE AND RECEIVING KARATE.

SKINNY GUY RECEIVES.

I GOT THIS STUFF THAT MAKES

MY TOILET WATER BLUE.

IT'S CALLED BLUEBERRY POPSICLES.

I MEAN, YOU GOT TO EAT A LOT

OF 'EM, BUT IT WORKS.

(LAUGHTER)

I USED TO COMPETE IN SPORTS

A LOT.

AND THEN I REALIZED THAT YOU CAN

BUY TROPHIES.

(LAUGHTER)

(WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE)

NOW I'M GOOD AT EVERYTHING.

I WAS IN A BAR THE OTHER NIGHT

WITH SOME FRIENDS, AND I HAD TO

GO TO THE BATHROOM REALLY BAD,

SO I WENT IN THERE.

AND I SAT DOWN, AND I LOOKED UP,

AND ON THE STALL SOMEBODY WROTE,

"METALLICA RULES."

AND UNDER THAT SOMEBODY WROTE,

"METALLICA SUCKS."

AND UNDER THAT SOMEBODY WROTE,

"YOU SUCK."

AND UNDER THAT SOMEBODY WROTE,

"SCREW YOU."

AND I JUST THOUGHT, MAN, A LOT

OF PEOPLE CRAP WITH PENS.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS SUMMER I WANT TO GO TO

THE BEACH AND BURY METAL OBJECTS

THAT SAY "GET A LIFE" ON THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH.

I LIKE THE BEACH, THOUGH.

I LOVE THE BEACH.

I LIKE TO GET THERE REALLY EARLY

BEFORE EVERYBODY ELSE SHOWS UP

AND TAKE LIKE 30 BOTTLES WITH

NOTES IN 'EM AND THROW THEM INTO

THE WATER.

THEN I WAIT FOR EVERYONE TO COME

TO THE BEACH.

WHEN SOMEONE GOES TO PICK UP ONE

OF THE BOTTLES, I GO UP BEHIND

THEM.

BECAUSE WHEN THEY OPEN THE

BOTTLE, INSIDE THERE'S A NOTE

THAT SAYS, "I'M STANDING RIGHT

BEHIND YOU."

THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING)