Bill Hicks - Drought

Bill Hicks & Jeff Stilson Season 1, Ep 0126 02/24/1992 Views: 15,148

Bill Hicks ponders the confusing weather conditions in Southern California and advises his audience to avoid watching CNN. (2:55)

GOOD-- ME, TOO.

AH... I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.

BEING IN L.A.IS A VERY CONFUSING PLACE.

IT'S THE ONLY PLACE I KNOW WHEREYOU CAN HAVE SIMULTANEOUSLY

A DROUGHT AND A FLOOD.

I NEED MORE INFORMATION.

EVERY TIME I'M HEREIT'S POURING DOWN RAIN.

EVERY TIME YOU WATCHTHE WEATHERMAN

HE GOES, "RAINED ALL DAY.

"DIDN'T HELP THE DROUGHT.

BACK TO YOU, TOM."

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, FOLKS.

IF WATER DOESN'T SOLVEYOUR DROUGHT, YOU'RE SCREWED.

OKAY?

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE COMING.

THERE'S NO ANTI-DROUGHT GEL

BEING DEVELOPEDBY DUPONT RIGHT NOW.

ALMOST SURE WATER WASTHE NUMBER ONE SHOO-IN ANSWER.

ANYWAY, THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

I APPRECIATE PEOPLE COMING OUT

BECAUSE I KNOW HOW HARD IT ISTO GET OFF THE COUCH THESE DAYS.

YOU WATCH THE NEWS

YOU GET THE IMPRESSIONYOU WALK OUT YOUR DOOR

YOU'RE IMMEDIATELYGOING TO BE RAPED

BY SOME CRACK-ADDICTED, AIDS-INFECTED PIT BULL OR SOMETHING.

SOME HORRIBLE CNN TALE.

"HONEY, I'M GOINGTO CHECK THE MAIL."

( imitates vicious dog barking )

"WHAT DO YOU SAY WE STAYINSIDE TONIGHT, HONEY?

"LET THAT DOMINO'S GUY DEALWITH THAT THING OUT THERE.

HEY, DOMINO'S, CAN YOU SENDANOTHER GUY OVER?"

"IT'S YOUR THIRD ONE!"

"LAST ONE ALMOST MADE IT, MAN."

PRETTY SOON WE'RE ALL GOINGTO BE LOCKED IN OUR HOUSES

NOTHING BUT DOMINO'S GUYS

IN ARMORED CHEVETTESWITH TURRETS...

SHOOTING PIZZAS THROUGH THEMAIL SLOTS OF OUR FRONT DOOR.

"HERE HE COMES."

THE NEWS IS TOO MUCHFOR ME, MAN.

YOU EVER SIT AROUNDAND WATCH CNN

LONGER THAN, SAY,20 HOURS IN ONE DAY?

I DO THAT EVERY DAYAND I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT.

IT'LL BUM YOU OUT, MAN.

WATCH HEADLINE NEWS FOR AN HOUR.

IT'S THE MOST DEPRESSING THING.

"WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS,HOMELESS, RECESSION

"DEPRESSION, DROUGHT,FLOOD, PIT BULL.

WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS..."

THEN YOU LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW,IT'S JUST...

( imitates crickets chirping )

WHERE'S ALLTHIS STUFF HAPPENING?

TED TURNER'SMAKING THIS STUFF UP, MAN.

JANE FONDA WON'T SLEEP WITH HIM,HE RUNS TO A TYPEWRITER.

"IN 1995,WE WILL ALL DIE OF AIDS.

"READ THAT ON THE AIR.

I DON'T GET ANY,NO ONE GETS ANY."

( laughter )

I'M WRITING JANE FONDA.

"WOULD YOU SLEEP WITH THIS GUY

"SO WE CAN GETSOME GOOD NEWS, PLEASE?

I WANT TO SEE A WELL-SATISFIEDTED TURNER NEWSCAST":

"HEY, IT'S ALL GOINGTO WORK OUT-- HERE'S SPORTS."