Todd Glass - What Else I Do

  • Season 5 , Ep 16
  • 10/14/2001
  • Views: 3,269

Todd Glass runs down a list of pranks he likes to pull. (3:27)

SOME LADY TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY

THAT I LOOK LIKE JOHN GOODMAN.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

SHE GOES, YOU LOOK LIKE

JOHN GOODMAN.

THEN SHE GOES, A THIN

JOHN GOODMAN.

LIKE THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME

FEEL BETTER?

AH, I SHOULDA SAID YOU LOOK LIKE

A PIG.

NO A THIN PIG.

NO LIKE A REALLY THIN, HOT,

SMOKIN', PIG THAT WORKS OUT.

LIKE SHE'S GONNA GO, THANK YOU.

AH IF YOU DON'T...

♪ HE'S A GENIUS

TODD>> WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE.

LET ME GET A DRINK OF WATER

HERE.

LADIES VOICE>> HEY, EVERYONE,

STAY TUNED FOR MORE COMEDIC

GENIUS RIGHT AFTER TODD GLASS

GETS A DRINK OF WATER.

TODD>> ALL RIGHT FOLKS, I GOT A

LOT MORE COMEDY HERE.

I, LITTLE JINGLES AND BELLS AND

WHISTLES.

DO YOU HAVE PARKING AUTHORITY?

EVERY TOWN HAS PARKING

AUTHORITY.

THERE NOT COPS BUT THEY DRIVE

AROUND GIVING PARKING TICKETS.

NEXT TIME YOU WALK BY A CAR

THAT'S GETTING A TICKET,

ACT LIKE IT'S YOUR CAR.

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO THINK TWICE

ABOUT IT.

JUST WALK OVER AND GO THAT'S

MY CAR, DON'T GIVE IT A TICKET

YOU PIECE OF (BLEEP).

OH, YEAH, YOU CAN TOW IT,

I DARE YOU TO TOW IT!

YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET IT TOWED,

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU HAVE THE

POWER TO TOW MY CAR.

I HAD FORTY-FIVE CARS TOWED

YESTERDAY, IS THAT WRONG?

NO SERIOUSLY, IS IT?

WHAT AGE DO YOU HAVE TO STOP

SAYING SERIOUS?

I'M LIKE YA KNOW I MEAN LIKE FOR

REAL.

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE FIFTY AND YOUR

BOSS FIRES YOU.

FOR REAL?

NO LIE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO?

LOOK AT MY CUE CARDS.

WHAT I LIKE TO DO, I LIKE TO

DRESS UP AS A PILOT RIGHT.

THIS IS A LOT OF FUN, I DRESS UP

AS A PILOT AND THEN WHAT I DO IS

I GO TO AN AIRPORT BAR AND GET

DRUNK.

THAT'S GOOD FUN LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

OH, YEAH, YOU JUST SIT THERE

ALL DAY.

OH, MY GOD.

I THINK I'VE HAD TOO MANY.

I REALLY DO IT.

THAT'S RIGHT I DO IT.

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT ELSE

I DO?

AND THEN, ALL RIGHT, THEN I,

I PUT GAUZE ON MY CHEST AND FAKE

BLOOD AND THEN I GO INTO THE

PAWN SHOP AND I GO, HEY YOU WANT

TO BUY THIS PACEMAKER?

YEAH.

I DO IT.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

AND THEN WHAT I DO IS I GO INTO

THE MAKE-UP STORE AND I GO DO

YOU HAVE ANY MAKE-UP?

AND THEY GO, WHAT IS IT FOR YOUR

GIRLFRIEND?

AND I GO YEAH, NO IT'S FOR YOU

DOG FACE.

YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

I GO TO THE DOG POUND.

I GO TO THE DOG POUND AND I GET

A DOG AND THEN I WALK IT THROUGH

THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

NO ONE KNOWS IT'S NOT MY DOG.

THEN SOMEBODY GOES, OH MY GOD

YOUR DOG IS SO CUTE.

I GO TAKE IT WHORE.

AND THEN, YEAH, AND THEN I RUN

INTO THE WOODS, ALL JOKES WITH

WHORE ARE FUNNY.

AND THEN I DRESSED UP, YEAH,

THEN I DRESSED UP LIKE A

KANGAROO, RIGHT.

AND I TAKE A DUMP ON SOMEBODY'S

LAWN AND THEN THE WIFE GOES,

OH, MY GOD, HERBIE THERE'S A

KANGAROO TAKING A DUMP ON OUR

LAWN.

AND THEN WHAT I DO IS I TAKE THE

KANGAROO SUIT OFF REAL FAST AND

I THROW IT INTO THE WOODS AND

THEN THE HUSBAND GOES, WHATTYA

NUTS?

THERE'S JUST A GUY TAKING A DUMP

ON OUR LAWN.

AND THEN I GET A BLOW UP GIRL.

AND THEN WHAT I DO IS I TAKE THE

BLOW UP GIRL AND I BRING HER ON

THE AIRPLANE WITH A JACKET AND A

FAKE HAIR AND THEN WHEN THE, UH,

PLANE ATTENDANT COMES OVER,

I GO EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE MY

GIRLFRIEND'S KOSHER MEAL?

SHE GOES, OH MY GOD, WE DON'T

EVEN HAVE A KOSHER MEAL.

I GO, OH GREAT, THEN I TAKE

A PIN AND I STICK IT IN MY

GIRLFRIEND'S ASS.

THEN SHE GOES FLYING ALL OVER

THE WHOLE (BLEEPING) PLANE.

AND I GO GREAT JUST 'CAUSE YOU

DIDN'T HAVE HER BLINTZES,

NOW SHE'S HAVING A SEIZURE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERYBODY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS)

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