I am a happily married guy.
It's true-- sorry, gals.
And well, they seemto be dealing with it.
And I'll tell you my secret.
My wife and I don'ttake each for granted.
That's the trick.
Every morning,for eight years, I
ask her how she takes a coffee.
It's a small thing,but it's annoying.
I have a good marriage, butlately, I think that my wife
has been fooling around, becauseour parrot keeps saying, give
it to me hard and fast beforemy husband John Katz comes home,
and yes, I'd love a cracker.
I don't know what itis about marriage.
I don't care how powerfulthe initial attraction.
At some point, thelust is replaced
by this incrediblelonging for sleep.
We're going throughthis, my wife and I.
We've read all the sex manuals.
Tried both positions, and--
You see, she insists on turningout the lights before we make
love, which does not bother me.
It's the hidingthat seems so cruel.
I'll tell you what's strange.
This is the truth.
The longer I'm married, the moreI'm losing my single instincts.
I was at a party inHollywood last month.
Beautiful blondestarlet comes up to me.
She says, my husband isaway for the weekend.
How about a lift home?
I said, if you knew hewas going to be away,
you should have madetravel arrangements."
This scares me.
I got into a very, verystrange mood before this show.
I'm sitting at the bar.
This big guy sits down nextto me-- a construction worker.
And we start talkingabout nuclear war.
I say to him, look, youhear the sirens go off.
The missiles are on their way.
You've got 20 minutes to live.
What are you going to do?
He said, I'm going to makeit with anything that moves.
He asked me whatI was going to do.
I said I'm going to tryand keep perfectly still.
Thank you very much.You've been a lot of fun.