Tom Segura - Just Land the Plane

  • Season 15 , Ep 1
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 15,225

The great thing about pilots is that they have unquestionably specific knowledge. (2:20)

ON MY FLIGHT ONTHE WAY OUT HERE

WE'RE FLYING AND THE PILOTCOMES OVER THE P.A.

AND HE GOES, "UH, HEY--"WELL, HE DOESN'T SAY "HEY."

[audience laughing]

PILOTS DON'T USUALLY STARTTHEIR ANNOUNCEMENT WITH "HEY."

"HEY, I'M UP FRONT.

"WHAT DO YOU THINKOF THAT [deleted]?"

HE JUST-- HE STARTS--I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY START.

HE JUST STARTS--HE'S LIKE, "I'M THE PILOT."

[audience laughing]

AND WE'RE ALL LIKE,"I TOTALLY BELIEVE YOU-- YEAH."

[audience laughing]

AND THEN HE GOES, "UH, WEMADE UP SOME TIME IN THE AIR,

"SO WE'REGONNA BE EARLY,

"BUT THEN I JUST TALKED TOTHE AIRPORT, AND IT'S CONGESTED,

"SO WE'RE GONNA BEIN A HOLDING PATTERN,

"AND NOW WE'REGONNA BE LATE."

AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE,

"WHY THE HELL DIDYOU "TELL US THAT, MAN?

"LIKE, KEEP THATTO YOURSELF, YOU KNOW."

BUT THEN, YOUACCEPT IT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, I DID.

THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME,HE DID NOT ACCEPT IT.

[audience laughing]

HE TURNS TO ME, AND HE GOES,"JUST LAND THE PLANE."

AND I GO, "WHERE?

[audience laughing]

"LIKE, THE PLACE THATTAKES PLANES IS FULL.

[audience laughing]

"DO YOU WANNA LAND INA FIELD, RIGHT NOW?"

AND HE GETS LIKEMORE AGGRESSIVE.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU JUSTLAND THE PLANE!"

AND I WAS LIKE,"DUDE, YOU CAN'T."

YOU CAN'T JUST BE LIKE,"WELL, WE'RE COMIN',

"SO MOVE--HERE WE COME."

BUT THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREATABOUT BEING A PILOT.

THEIR KNOWLEDGE IS SO SPECIFIC,YOU CAN'T QUESTION THEM.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,THAT PILOT,

I'M SURE, WASTELLING THE TRUTH.

I'M SURE THAT THE AIRPORTWAS PROBABLY FULL,

BUT HE COULD'VE BEEN TRYIN'TO GET A [deleted] JOB

FROM A FLIGHT ATTENDANT

AND BEEN LIKE, "HEY,WHY DON'T YOU SUCK IT?"

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WELL,WE GOTTA LAND THE PLANE."

AND HE'S LIKE, "I'LL JUSTTELL 'EM THE AIRPORT'S FULL.

"THEY'RE TOTAL IDIOTS."

[audience laughing]

AND THAT'S WHYI WANNA BE A PILOT NOW.

[audience laughing]

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