Pete Holmes - Dropped a Dog Pt. 2

Pete Holmes: Nice Try, The Devil Season 1, Ep 1 05/12/2013 Views: 14,005

Pete Holmes explains that there are only two options available after you drop a dog. (2:20)

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I love dogs.If I see a dog,

I love it,I get excited.

I'm very tall,and especially,

if it's like a cat-sized dog,I want to pick it up.

That's how I love animals.I want it close.

It looks so small.Bring it up here

where I can see it.

It's always a gamblepicking up a dog,

'cause I'm never surewhere they bend.

It's never the same.

Where do dogs bend?It's a gamble.

They're like rigidlittle furry tables.

You got to go in like a forkliftand just take a chance.

Once you're up in the air,you never know

when's it gonna yieldto that lowercase "C" shape

with the [bleep]right on your arm.

We all actlike that's not happening.

It's a lovely beast.

The [bleep] is right on my arm.

It's coolerthan the rest of him.

So I'm holding a dog.

It's like a 35-pound dog,

like, a Boston Terrieror something.

Took a picturewith the dog,

proof that I love dogs,

and then I was done.

I'm done with the dog.

I feel you judging me.I'm judging me too.

This is a stupid story.

This is a tale of woe.

I'm done with the dog,and an idiot, me,

I just open...

from here I justopen my arms,

and immediately--I watched it falling,

I was like,"That doesn't look right."

'Cause this [bleep] dogdidn't put his paws out

to cushion the blow.

He put his paws to the side

like a goddamnadrenaline junkie skydiver

trying to get the most juiceout of the run.

His arms flailedlike an old man

shooing mosquitoesat a company picnic.

And then he greeted the earthwith his face.

Are you listening to me?

He greeted the earthwith his face.

Do you know the sound of a dogcrumbling into the earth?

I do.It's terrible.

It's like droppinga hairy baby.

Everyone hates you.

No redemption.

You have no choices, though.

You open your arms and dropa dog,

it starts freefalling,you have two choices:

One, let it go,which is what I did.

The only other choice you have--I've thought about it--

is to own it and be like...

Pfft! [bleep] your dog.

Your dog is a racist.

I've always hated your dog.