Pete Holmes - The Museum

  • Season 2 , Ep 1
  • 03/25/2011
  • Views: 14,867

Pete Holmes doesn't care about museums, he only cares that people think he's the kind of guy that goes to museums. (3:02)

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(scattered cheers)GREAT.

SO, I'M 31 YEARS OLD,

AND I'M DONE PRETENDINGI LIKE THE MUSEUM.

(laughter)

31-YEAR PHASEI WAS GOING THROUGH.

I DON'T LIKE IT!

I DON'T CARE FOR IT,AND I DON'T HAVE TO GO.

BUT THERE'S ALL THISINTELLECTUAL PRESSURE

TO BE THE KIND OF PERSONTHAT LIKES THE MUSEUM.

SO WHEN PEOPLE ASKED ME,I WOULD FAKE IT.

BE LIKE, "YOU WANNA GOTO THE MUSEUM."

YOU SAID--WHAT?YOU SAY MUSEUM?!

ME, YOU, WALK AROUND?

YOU WANNA WALK AROUND ALL DAY?INSIDE ALL DAY?

BREATHING STALE AIR?YEAH?

LOOKING AT THINGS?

LOOKING AT THINGSI DON'T UNDERSTAND?

LIKE, A RICH GUY'S HOUSE

AND WAITING FOR THEM TO COME OUTWITH FOOD AND ALCOHOL,

BUT HE'S NOT COMING?YEAH?!

WILL I HAVE TO PEETHE WHOLE TIME?

I WILL?

SATURDAY?!

DID YOU SAY SATURDAY?

ALL DAY SATURDAY.

LIKE A WHALE ATEMY SATURDAY?!

YEAH? NO!

I DON'T WANNA GO,AND I DON'T HAVE TO GO.

I DON'T CAREABOUT THE MUSEUM.

I ONLY CARE THE PEOPLETHINK THAT I'M THE KIND OF GUY

WHO GOES TO MUSEUMS.

I GET THAT LITTLE PINAT THE MET.

I "FORGET" TO TAKE THAT OFFFOR A MONTH.

PEOPLE ARE LIKE,"WHAT'S THAT?"

I'M LIKE, OH, LET ME FINISHPACKING THIS PIPE.

I WAS AT THE MUSEUM.

(laughter)

AND I GOT IT.

I SKETCHED. I WAS QUIET.I GOT TO KNOW MYSELF.

BUT THAT'S NOT WHATI'M DOING AT A MUSEUM.

WHEN I'M AT A MUSEUM,I'M NOT LOOKING AT A PAINTING

TO APPRECIATE IT.

I'M STARING AT IT TRYINGTO FIGURE OUT HOW LONG

IS APPROPRIATE FOR THIS ONE...

(laughter)

SO WHEN I WALK AWAY,THE OTHER PEOPLE WATCHING ME

AREN'T LIKE, "WELL,HE DIDN'T GET IT AT ALL."

SO I MAKE MY SERIOUS FACE,I GO, "MM.

MM," BUT UP TOP, I'M JUST LIKE,"HONEY NUT CHEERIOS!"

(laughter)

BUT WHEN I'M AT THE MUSEUM,AND I FIND THE NAME BRANDS.

WHEN I FIND THE PICASSOS,WHEN I FIND THE MONETS,

I FEEL GOOD, I'M LIKE,THESE ARE THE GOOD ONES.

PEOPLE ARE GONNA ASKIF I SAW THESE.

I'M GONNA BUY MAGNETICREPRESENTATIONS OF THESE

TO PROVE THAT I WASTEDMY DAY HERE.

(laughter)

I WAS LOVING THE MONETS,AND I LOOKED AT IT,

I FOUND MY FAVORITE ONE.

AND I LOOKED DOWN,AND IT WASN'T MONET.

IT WAS MANET.

(laughter)

INSTANTLY HATED IT.

I WAS LIKE, "MANET?!WHATEVER, MAYONNAISE."

YOU WANT IT TO BE COOL.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'REDRIVING IN THE CAR

AND YOU REALLY LIKEA SONG ON THE RADIO

UNTIL YOU FIND OUTIT WAS MAROON 5.

(laughter and applause)

I'M COOLER THAN THAT.

THEN DRIVE OFF A BRIDGEINTO LILY PADS.

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