John Oliver - Las Vegas

  • Season 1 , Ep 6
  • 02/12/2010
  • Views: 40,674

John Oliver had an incredible experience in Las Vegas, the worst place on the planet. (2:24)

AT THE END OF LAST YEAR.

I WENT TO LAS VEGASFOR THE FIRST TIME.

AND I'VE NOT BEEN--I'VE NOTBEEN TO EVERY PLACE ON EARTH.

I SHOULD SAY THAT NOW.

IN THE INTEREST OF FULLDISCLOSURE,

I'VE NOT BEEN TO EVERY PLACEON THIS PLANET.

AND YET,I'M PRETTY SURE LAS VEGAS

IS THE WORST PLACE ON IT.

IT'S JUST AN INHERENT,DEEP, PROFOUND BELIEF.

YET, SOMETHING INCREDIBLEDID HAPPEN THERE.

IT WAS ABOUT 4:30IN THE MORNING,

AND I WAS SITTING IN A CASINOAT A BLACKJACK TABLE

TRYING TO PRETEND TO MYSELFAND EVERYONE AROUND ME

THAT I UNDERSTOODWHAT WE WERE ALL DOING.

OH, HE'S GOT THE PICTURE CARDAGAIN.

LOOK AT THAT.

I WONDER IF HE'S GONNA BE HAPPYLIKE LAST TIME

HE GOT A PICTURE CARD.

HE'S...HE'S NOT AS HAPPYTHIS TIME.

IS IT--HE GOT THE LADY CARDTHIS TIME.

DID--DID HE NOT WANTTHE LADY CARD?

DID HE NOT--DID HE WANTTHE OLD MAN CARD

LIKE THE PICTURE CARDHE GOT LAST TIME?

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT HE LOST.IT'S JUST FUN, ISN'T IT?

WE'RE HERE TO HAVE FUN.

THAT'S--THAT'S THE IMPOR--WHEN DO I GET TO SHOUT "CRAPS"?

IS THAT SOON?

'CAUSE I WAS LOOKING FORWARDTO THAT.

AND THEN SUDDENLY,OUT OF NOWHERE,

MIKE TYSON CAME WALKINGRIGHT THROUGH THE CASINO

AND STRAIGHT PAST ME.

AND I REMEMBER LOOKINGDIRECTLY AT MIKE TYSON

AND THINKING TO MYSELF...

"I NEED TO GO TO BED."

(laughter)

BECAUSE HERE'S THE RULE.

IF YOUR LIFE INTERCEPTSWITH MIKE TYSON'S

IN ANY MINOR WAY WHATSOEVER,IT IS BEDTIME FOR YOU.

HE IS THE CANARYIN THE COAL MINE FOR ALL OF US.

HE COULD DO SO MUCH GOOD!

NEXT TIME THERE'S A RIOTSOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD,

DON'T FIRE TEARGAS AT PEOPLELIKE THEY'RE ANIMALS.

JUST RELEASE MIKEFROM THE BACK OF A TRUCK.

SO HE CAN WALK AMONGSTTHE CROWD AND WATCH PEOPLE

JUMP BACK AND PARTLIKE THE RED SEA GOING,

"HOLY...THIS HAS GOT OUT OF HAND.

(inhales sharply)

"LET'S JUST LEARNTO LIVE TOGETHER.

"THANK YOU, MIKE.THANK YOU.

"YOUR FACIAL TATTOO SAYS MORE

THAN A THOUSAND DOVESEVER COULD."

(laughter)

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