Tom Cotter - Ex-Girlfriend

  • Season 8 , Ep 13
  • 03/11/2004
  • Views: 4,139

Tom Cotter's current girlfriend really takes his breath away -- because of the asthma. (2:00)

YOU KNOW YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN

WAY TOO LONG WHEN LITTLE THINGS

START TO AROUSE YOU LIKE

STICKING YOUR KEY IN THE

IGNITION, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

THAT SHOULDN'T FEEL GOOD.

THE OTHER DAY I WAS SHARPENING

A PENCIL AND I SWEAR TO GOD

I SAID, "TAKE IT ALL YOU WHORE."

THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WRONG.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I JUST FOUND OUT MY

EX-GIRLFRIEND NEEDS A KIDNEY

TRANSPLANT, AND I'M NOT REALLY

WORRIED BECAUSE HER BODY HASN'T

REJECTED AN ORGAN IN 25 YEARS.

NO.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

ACTUALLY IN ALL FAIRNESS TO HER

SHE COULD PROBABLY COUNT EVERY

GUY SHE'S EVER SLEPT WITH ON ONE

HAND IF SHE WAS HOLDING A

FRIGGEN CALCULATOR, BUT I'M NOT

BITTER.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS PAST WINTER I WAS FORTUNATE

ENOUGH TO SEE HER GET HIT BY A

SNOWPLOW.

THAT WAS KIND OF WEIRD FOR ME

'CAUSE I HAD NEVER DRIVEN

A SNOWPLOW BEFORE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY LATEST LOVE INTEREST IS SUCH

A DOLL, AND I MEAN THAT 'CAUSE I

BLOW HER UP.

SHE REALLY TAKES MY BREATH AWAY.

I MEAN THAT...

BECAUSE OF THE ASTHMA AND...

THE OTHER NIGHT WE WERE ROLLING

AROUND TOGETHER AND I DON'T WANT

TO BRAG BUT I POPPED HER.

HA-HA-HA!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY DON'T CALL ME NEEDLE WEENIE

FOR NOTHING.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

HAPPY ENDING, SHE'S ON THE

PATCH.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SOMETIMES I FILL HER UP WITH

HELIUM SO SHE PLAYS HARD TO GET.

[LAUGHTER]

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