Al Jackson - Marijuana Essay

Lange, Jackson, Schachter, Melson, Keith, Metzger, Gay Season 2, Ep 1 05/17/2007 Views: 9,738

Al Jackson reads an essay on drugs from one of his old students. (3:37)


(sparse applause)All right, one person cared...

(crowd cheering)No!

I don't want the fake claps now,that's all right.

I taught seventh grade, man.

Yeah, people-- ah...(aahing)

Yeah, people always"ooh" and "aah"

when I say I taughtthe seventh grade, man.

Teaching wasn't that bad,except for the kids.

My last year of teaching,I got a little gem.

I had to talk to them about thedangers of drugs and alcohol.

And, uh, anybody out therethat knows me at all

knows that I'm the last personin the world

that should be talking to yourkids about that-- I'm a big fan.

Of both. I got posters,I got season tickets.

Uh, but my last year teaching--

and I'm going to read thisfor you as it was given to me--

uh, I got a letter from a kid,we'll call him Billy.

And, uh, I'm going to read thisfor you.

I had to talk to them about thedangers of drugs and alcohol.

"My Marijuana Essay."


"Marijuana is a nine letter wordfor death, pain and misery.

"Marijuana is even worsethan a cigarette.

"In this essay, I will attempt

"to explain to youthe harmful effects

"of marijuana, and how to tell

if somebody's offering youhidden marijuana."

Which never happens.

"First of all, you will not hear

"the term 'marijuana'used as much.

"Other terms are slang terms.

They are weed, pot,cigaweed and crack."

First of all,the crack comment tells you

he's making stuff upfour sentences into this.

Rest of you guys are sittingthere like, "Cigaweed"?

Using terms fromthe '60s, and...

Now, if this next sentencedoesn't say "Miami" all around,

I don't know what does.

"Marijuana has a chemicalin it called hashish."

That's my kid, y'all.

"Hashish can either be baked,smoked or sniffed."

So you knowhe's been to Amsterdam

at least one time in his life,'cause you could not know that.

And here's where it justtakes this weird turn.

"If you are a girl, you haveto be quite careful in college,

because men will bake browniesat a party."

First of all, like, five dudes

in here right nowlike, "Shut up."

"Now, honestly,why would a full-grown man

"spend his timemaking homemade brownies

when he could justbuy some from the store?"

That's a good question.

"I'll tell you why.

"He wants to put hashish in it,so you'll eat it, get high,

and have unprotected sexwith him, that's why."

"Last but...(chuckles)

"Last but not least,

"marijuana can get youinto a lot of trouble.

"The only time you're allowedto carry marijuana

"is if you havea prescription from a doctor

or you'remy seventh grade teacher."

I put that.

"Did you know thatevery three seconds

"someone diesbecause of marijuana?

"One, two, three.

See? Someone's dead."

And he counts it downfor you at the end.

And I'm gonna tell you this,New York City,

I swear to God,one of my dreams in life

was to perform for this network.

My only other dream in comedyis, ten years from now,

this kid's gonna be at a show,we're gonna go down to my car,

roll one upand laugh our ass off.

Give it up for Billy.You guys are great.