Hey everybody.
How are you guysdoing tonight-- good?
(audience whoops)
Yeah, well, this is my energy--let's get used to it.
(laughter)
And we're good-- here we go.
A little about me--I have A.D.D.
And I don't know if anyof you guys have it,
but if you don't, get it.
It's the best.
My doctor prescribedme Adderall.
He's like, "You can'tdrink on Adderall."
I was like, "No,you totally can.
It makes it better."
I'm like, "You should knowthat-- you're a doctor.
Why are you lying?"
I love Adderall because not onlydoes it help you concentrate,
but it's alsoan appetite suppressant.
So most of the time, I'm like,
"I could eat dinner right now
"or I could read ten booksabout birds,
let's read ten booksabout birds."
Guys, I know so muchabout birds.
Did you guys know a bird
is the only animal you can throw
and you're helping it?
You throw a dog,you're an asshole.
You throw a bird,
you're gonna hearthe word "majestic."
As it flies away.
I don't understand peoplewho get super muscular.
Like, super muscular, ripped andjacked in their muscle areas,
and they're notprofessional athletes.
Like, my little brother's supermuscular, ripped and jacked,
and he says things like,"Image is everything."
I'm like, "Yeah, look at you.
You're, like, a really strongrestaurant manager."
Now, go get us some bread--we'll be waiting."
I'm much smarter than him;I was a very smart kid.
How I know I was smart--I quit karate as a child
so I wouldn't havea ponytail as an adult.
I was very smart.
I live in Los Angeles;I hate every single person
that lives in my neighborhood.
There's this guyI hate the most.
One morning I was outside,smoking a cigarette,
'cause I'm super productive,
and he came upto me and was like,
"Hey, could I have a cigarette?"
And I said, "Sure," and then hesat there and smoked it with me.
I was like, "Oh, you weresupposed to leave.
"Like, I don't want to know you.
You're the worst."
Then he asked me dumb questions.
He was like, "What do you dofor a living?"
I was like, "I'm a comedian--what do you do?"
And he was like,"It's complicated."
"Go on, let's hear it."
He was like, "I'm an artist.
"What I do is go into a fieldand record a sound.
"Then I mash it upwith other sounds I record
to create a sound collage."
And I was, like,"You can say unemployed.
(laughter)
"You don't have to go intodetail about how unemployed.
Not a contest."