Al Jackson - Lactose Intolerance Story

Al Jackson Season 15, Ep 9 02/18/2011 Views: 6,490

Al Jackson does not speak Starbucks and does not know that latte means "hot milk." (5:08)

But fellas, I will tellyou this,

And ladies, too, man-- lifeis going good for me, man.

I just boughtmy first new thing

with my littlebit of comedy money.

How about that?

All right?


Thank you, man.

I got myself an'07 Hyundai Sonata.

[audience laughter]


What was the last word,you bourgy crowd?

I'm sorry my parentsdon't send me money.

Proud of my car.

No, in order for thiswhole story to make sense,

you need to understandone thing about me.

And I want anybody that'sout here to just know,

just give me eyes 'causeI know that we together.

And that's that I'mlactose intolerant.


Okay, but let mecatch them up.

Being lactose intolerantmeans that like around

the age of 14 to 15 you beeating a bowl of cereal

and you'll go, "oh".

[audience laughter]

No milk ever in your life,just all right, take that,

file that back.

So, I bought my car inMiami where I used to live

and I'm driving up toNew York where I live now.

And for real, man, it wasthe best day of my life.

And I did what any black manthat feels like he's moved up

on the social ladderfeels like he should do.

And I wentto Starbucks.

You know, and Iknow you all giggle

'cause you all go every day andyou got your order ready to go.

I never been to Starbucksa day in my life.

I was like, "$5 coffee,that's what rich people do.

I've arrived."

This is not a joke.

So, I'm in line andthere's a line behind me

and I don'tknow that menu.

I don't knowthat mocha frap.

So, I'm like, let mejust get a black coffee.

And I don't know if youall have ever ordered

a black coffee inStarbucks before,

but they look at youlike you just ordered

a 12 year oldAsian boyfriend.

They don't, they don'tmake black coffee.

The chick was like, "Don'tget the black coffee.

Get the coffeeof the day."

And you know, I'm cleanedup, got a new car...

Finally, I'm like,"[deleted], let's do it."

Give me thecoffee of the day

and it a venti whitechocolate mocha, whatever.

It was good--It was beige.

It was whatever--it was good.

Now mind you, I don'tspeak Starbucks.

I don't know that lattémeans hot milk, all right?

[audience laughter]

So, I get in my car andanybody on the east coast

that's driven on 95 canfeel me when I say this...

Leaving Miami, Iran into that 5:30

Friday bumper tobumper rush hour.

But again, I'm chilling--I'm in my new car.

It got the new car smell--Sunroof down, kicking it.

Finish my coffeeI'm sitting there.

[audience laughter]

And you knowhow at first...

it just startsout as heat?

Like it's not evenpain, it's just hot.

It wasn't evenlike in my stomach.

It was underneathmy stomach.

It told my stomachto tell me,

"Negro, you got threeminutes to get somewhere.

Doesn't have to be a bathroom--It coming either way.

But I feel Ishould tell you."

And we've allbeen there before.

This that time of yourlife where you gotta

do some serious likecritical thinking.

You know what I'mtalking about?

Like turn the radiodown thinking.

'Cause if I do what Ithink I'm about to do

in my brand new car,

I can't take it backto the dealership.

I need some Febreze and afriend that can keep a secret.

[audience laughter]

And I will tell you allthis, if I didn't believe

in God before this day, I didafter the car in front me

pulled up a half a footand I back reversed off

the expressway andwent running into a 7-11

which shoulda beenthe end of the story.

But becauseGod hates me.

You know that men's bathroomwas locked and broken.

I didn't givea [deleted].

I was in that woman'sbathroom so fast.

Which again, shoulda beenthe end of the story.

Except for the fact-- and thisis my hand on my son's life,

there was a 75 year oldwhite woman in that stall...

that forgot tolock the door.

[audience laughter]

And to this day, I wonderwhat was going through

that woman's head...

when she looked upfrom that toilet bowl,

and in that door framewas a 6' foot, 225 pound

black dude with hispants at his ankles

and tears runningdown his [deleted].


Now mind you, thisis a true story.

She jumps up, runsout the bathroom.

I didn't give a [deleted]--I slam in behind her, lock it.

I'm doin' what I gottado-- That's my time.

That's daddy's time.

All of a sudden Ihear this on the door.


It was the managerof the 7-11.

She went and told thisdude that a black man

was doing drugs inthe women's bathroom.

And when I swungthat door open...

and walked pastthat man...

he wished that was what Iwas doing in that bathroom.

[cheering and applause]