Eddie Ifft - Making Money with Stand-up

Benny, Ifft, Lukas Season 4, Ep 0402 01/15/2001 Views: 4,402

It's not that Eddie doesn't make money doing stand-up; he just doesn't know where it goes. (1:50)

LIKE, GROWING UP, I NEVER GOT

TO PLAY FOOTBALL OR BASEBALL

OR BASKETBALL.

THEY ALWAYS MADE ME PLAY THEIR

GAMES.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY MADE ME PLAY?

"CHARLIE'S ANGELS."

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, 'CAUSE THEY

WOULD BE THE ANGELS.

I'D BE CHARLIE.

THEY WOULD GO OUT AND PLAY

AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND I WOULD SIT HOME AND ANSWER

THE PHONE.

(LAUGHTER)

MY PARENTS DON'T GET STAND-UP

COMEDY AT ALL.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHY I'M DOING

THIS.

THEY'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME.

THEY THINK IT'S A PHASE

I'M GOING THROUGH.

THEY'RE REALLY HOPING I GO BACK

TO BREAK-DANCING.

MY MOM EVEN SAVED THE PARACHUTE

PANTS.

THEY WORRY, 'CAUSE THEY DON'T

THINK I MAKE ANY MONEY.

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T MAKE

MONEY.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE IT GOES.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T

BALANCE A CHECKBOOK.

I SWEAR.

LIKE GOING TO AN A.T.M. FOR ME

IS A LOT LIKE PLAYING THE SLOT

MACHINES.

I NEVER KNOW IF ANYTHING'S GONNA

COME OUT OF THERE.

I GO UP PRAYING.

I'M LIKE, "COME ON!

SHOW ME A 20.

COME ON, LUCKY 20!"

IT COMES OUT AND I'M LIKE,

"JACKPOT!

YEAH.

I'M GONNA EAT TONIGHT.

IN FACT, I'LL BUY FOR EVERYBODY.

RAMEN NOODLES ALL AROUND!"

I AM ON THE INTERNET A LOT.

I TOLD YOU THAT.

AND I'M ON THERE ALL THE TIME.

I KNOW YOU GUYS LOVE THE

INTERNET.

I LOVE IT, TOO.

I AM OBSESSED.

I AM NOW THE QUEEN OF THE

LESBIAN CHAT LINES.

IT IS JUST ME AND 20 OTHER HORNY

18-YEAR-OLD GUYS ON THERE.

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

IT'S JUST GUYS PRETENDING

TO BE WOMEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

SOMETIMES I GET SO CAUGHT UP,

I FORGET WHAT I'M DOING.

I'M LIKE TYPING.

I'M LIKE "OH, YES.

OH, YES.

CARESS MY BREASTS, YES.

NOW TOUCH MY PENIS."

OOH!

BACKSPACE.

BACKSPACE.

BACKSPACE.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN VAGINA.

THANKS A LOT, EVERYBODY.