Jackie Kashian - Selling Crap

  • Season 7 , Ep 4
  • 02/27/2003
  • Views: 2,863

Comedians sell a lot of crap after their shows. (2:09)

COMEDY YOU PEOPLE SEE,

AND THANK GOD, YOU'RE OUT,

SEEIN' ME DOIN'--

AND CAMERA, WHEREVER YOU ARE,

YEAH!

GO OUT AND SEE SOME LIVE COMEDY!

YEAH, AND TIP THE WAIT STAFF.

NOT A (BLEEP) HOBBY.

OKAY, SO, HERE'S THE THING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH COMEDY

YOU SEE IN THE REAL LIFE, BUT--

IT'S GREAT.

AND I'M PSYCHED THAT YOU ARE OUT

SEEING REAL COMEDY.

BUT IF YOU SEE A LOT OF COMEDY,

YOU KNOW THE COMIC SELLS STUFF

AFTER THEIR SHOWS.

AND--

CRAP, KIND OF.

THEY JUST--

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT CD'S

OR BOOKS THAT THEY'VE WRITTEN,

I'M TALKING ABOUT ACTUAL JUST

CRAP, T-SHIRTS AND BALL CAPS,

AND BUMPER STICKERS AND ANYTHING

NOT REALLY NAILED DOWN 'CAUSE

THERE'S NO MONEY IN

STAND-UP COMEDY.

NO, DON'T LET THE CLOTHES THROW

YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

AND--

SO, YEAH, THERE REALLY ISN'T.

SO, COMICS WILL SELL ANYTHING.

AND I DON'T BEGRUDGE 'EM THAT.

BUT I CAN'T SELL ANY MORE CRAP

IN MY LIFE.

TOO MUCH SALES.

NO MORE SALES.

I CAN'T SELL ANY MORE STUFF.

SO, I WAS WORKING IN TULSA

AND THIS VERY, DRUNK WOMAN CAME

UP TO ME AFTER THE SHOW AND

SAID, "HEY, YOU SHOULD SELL

A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS, 'UP TO THE

LEFT AND FASTER' 'CAUSE THAT'S

FUNNY.

YOU SHOULD SELL THAT.'"

NO NOT ME.

NOT SO MUCH.

TWO REASONS I WILL NOT BE

SELLING THE "UP TO THE LEFT

AND FASTER" T-SHIRT.

FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T WANT TO BE

THE VAGINA T-SHIRT LADY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND SECOND OF ALL--

AND THIS IS FROM A STRICTLY

SALES POINT OF VIEW--

THAT WOULDN'T BE THE T-SHIRT.

"UP TO THE LEFT AND FASTER"

ISN'T FUNNY OUT OF CONTEXT.

THAT'S THE DUMBEST T-SHIRT EVER.

THE T-SHIRT WOULD HAVE TO SAY,

HORRIFYINGLY ENOUGH, "THAT'S

WHERE I KEEP MY VAGINA," WITH A

BIG ARROW GOIN' DOWN.

AND I'D SELL A MILLION OF 'EM.

AND FOR THE FELLAS, IT WOULD BE

"THAT'S WHERE I KEEP MY VAGINA,"

WITH A BIG ARROW GOING TO THE

LEFT, LIKE I WAS STUPID.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I'D SELL A BILLION--

(APPLAUSE)

OF THEM.

AND THEN I COULD COUNT ALL OF

MY MONEY IN HELL 'CAUSE THAT'S

WHERE YOU COUNT YOUR VAGINA

T-SHIRT MONEY.

THANKS A LOT, YOU GUYS.

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