Mike Vecchione - First Case

Season 1 , Ep 2 07/11/10 Views: 8,515

Mike Vecchione's appearance would make him ineffective as an undercover police officer. (1:53)

I'M FROM NEW YORK.

- YEAH!- ALL RIGHT!

- I HAVE A COP LOOKIN NEW YORK,

AND MY PROBLEM IS, I DON'TLOOK LIKE A NICE COP.

I LOOK LIKE A VERY JERKY,STATEN ISLAND,

KEEP IT MOVIN',

I'M-GOING-TO-RACIALLY-PROFILE-YOU TYPE COP.

THAT'S NOT WHO I AMAS A PERSON.

THAT'S THE LOOKTHAT I HAVE, THOUGH.

I HAVE THIS LOOK LIKE,"I DON'T CARE IF OBAMA WON.

GET OUT OF THE CAR.WE HAVE A PROBLEM."

[laughter]

AND WE HAVE A PROBLEM

BECAUSE I WAS TOO SHORT TO PLAYHIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL.

I'M INSECURE.

[cheers and applause]

I WAS DATING THIS GIRL.

SHE'S LIKE, "MIKE, YOU LOOKSO MUCH LIKE A COP.

WHY DON'T YOU JUSTBECOME A COP?"

I'M LIKE,"I RESPECT THE POLICE.

I JUST COULDN'T WEAR A UNIFORMTO WORK EVERY DAY."

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "WHY DON'T YOUJUST BECOME AN UNDERCOVER COP?"

I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I HATE TOPOINT OUT THE OBVIOUS HERE,

BUT IF I LOOK LIKEA COP..."

[laughter]

CHANCES ARE, I WOULDN'T BETHAT EFFECTIVE UNDERCOVER."

SHE WASN'T THAT SMART.

SO I WENT ONLINE TO BECOMEA PRIVATE DETECTIVE.

IT WAS A PRIVATE DETECTIVESCHOOL ONLINE,

AND I PAID ONLINE,

BUT THEN I NEVER HEARDFROM THEM AGAIN.

I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,I EITHER GOT RIPPED OFF

OR THIS IS MY FIRST CASE.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

SO I WENT BACK TO REEXAMININGWHY I WANTED TO BE A COP.

IT WAS FORTHE WRONG REASONS.

IT WAS FOR THE WRONGREASONS.

IT WAS 'CAUSE I WANTED TO CALLANOTHER MAN MY PARTNER

AND NOT BE CONSIDERED GAY.

'CAUSE I WOULD JUSTMESS AROUND.

I'D WALK AROUNDWITH MY COP FRIEND

IN PLAINCLOTHES,HOLDING HANDS,

WAITING FOR SOMEBODYTO SAY SOMETHING.

THEY'D BE LIKE,"OH, YOU GUYS ARE GAY?"

"LOOK, WE'RE NOT GAY, DUDE.WE'RE COPS, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE UNDER ARRESTFOR A HATE CRIME."

[laughter]

"NOW GET AGAINST THE WALL.

"I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A BODYCAVITY SEARCH, ALL RIGHT?

NO GLOVE.WHO'S GAY NOW, BITCH?"

[laughter]

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