Matt Braunger - Medical Marijuana Dispensaries

  • Season 14 , Ep 15
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 16,709

Matt Braunger doesn't want to be on a list when the government comes for all the stoners. (1:57)

BUT I HAVEN'T DONETHE LEGAL-WEED-CARD THING YET

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BEON A LIST

WHEN THEY COMEFOR ALL THE STONERS.

BUT, YOU KNOW --BUT, LIKE, THE THING IS,

THEY'RE INCREDIBLY EASY TO GET.

PEOPLE DON'T REALIZEHOW EASY THEY ARE TO GET.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHEN THEY GO ON CNNAND PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"OH, WELL, ARE PEOPLEWHO AREN'T SICK GETTING IT?"

YES.AND WHO THE [BLEEP] CARES?

IT'S POT.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T CARE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW,IT'S INCREDIBLY EASY TO GET.

LIKE, PEOPLE GOTO THOSE DISPENSARIES,

AND THEY HAVE, LIKE,A LAUNDRY LIST OF AILMENTS,

YOU KNOW,TO GIVE TO THOSE DOCTORS

THAT'LL JUST SIGN OFFON ANYTHING.

YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH GO IN THEREAND GO,

"UM, I INTERMITTENTLY BLINKALL DAY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SOMETIMES I WAKE UP INTHE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHTAND I HAVE TO PEE,

AND SCARY MOVIES SCARE ME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU NEED POT.HERE. TAKE IT.

YOU NEED POT.YOU NEED IT."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"YEAH.YOU NEED IT. TAKE THIS.

"YOU'RE --YOU'RE IN DIRE NEED OF POT.

TAKE THIS," YOU KNOW?

BUT, LIKE, YOU KNOW,PEOPLE GO IN THERE

WITH THESE LISTS OF CRAZINESS.

LIKE -- LIKE, MY FRIEND WORKSAT ONE OF THESE PLACES, RIGHT?

AND A GUY CAME IN WITH THISLAUNDRY LIST OF -- OF AILMENTS

THAT WAS RIDICULOUS.

LIKE, MY FRIEND LOOKEDAND WAS LIKE,

"LOOK, MAN, I KNOW YOU'RE --ACTUALLY YOU'RE NOT SICK.

"YOU'RE LYING TO ME.

"BUT IF YOU'RE NOT,GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW.

"CAN YOU EVEN HAVE AIDSOF JUST THE EYEBALL?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S LIKE -- IT'S LIKE HOW ITWAS FOR US WHEN WE WERE LIKE 14.

YOU HAD YOUR FIRST, LIKE,FAKE I.D.

YOU REMEMBER THAT?

YOU KNOW,AND THAT ONE BIG VOYAGE.

LIKE, YOUR "STAR TREK" VOYAGE

WAS THE TIME YOU DECIDED TO GOTO AN ACTUAL BAR AND USE IT.

LIKE [BLEEP] LET'S DO IT.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE YOU'RE AN ADVENTURER.

SO, YOU GO TO A BAR,BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT,

SO YOU WORE A SUIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HEY.HOW IS EVERYONE?

"HOW ARE MY FELLOW ADULTS?DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT.

"THIS MUSTACHE IS REAL.

[ LAUGHS EXAGGERATEDLY ]"

YOU KNOW?

THANK YOU.

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