Hey, Cheesecake Factory: Your Move, Bitch

Monday, February 13, 2017 02/13/2017 Views: 1,703

Tom Lennon, Milana Vayntrub and Kyle Kinane join in the fray against Chris's favorite punching bag, the Cheesecake Factory. (5:41)

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This past weekend we watchedJ.K. Rowling beef up

with, uh, Donald Trump's houseelse Piers Morgan on Twitter.

After Jim Jefferies made anamazing appearance on Real Time.

It looked like so much fun.

We decided we wanted to pick ourown fight.

Not just with anybody,with our mortal enemy,

The Cheesecake Factory.

Yeah. That's right,yeah, yeah.

That's right.

Why The Cheesecake Factory,you ask.

No, don't boo.This is my house.

It's a lot of very good reasonsthat are not petty at all.

Number one,the "Cheapskate Factory"

has never advertisedwith us once.

You know, you think you're toogood to run ads on our show?

You two-bitfettuccini-and-toe-nail

assembly line?

Yeah, the gloves are off.

Two, one time they gave ourcuddliest writer, Jordan Morris,

diarrhea so bad he had to weara wetsuit for a week.

-VAYNTRUB: Oh.-(laughter)

This is filled with poop.

And allegedly, and three,

after all the times they've beenthe butt of our jokes,

they have never acknowledged useven once.

We've made fun of them dozensor hundreds of times.

Here's just a few.

Lately the world is a badand scary place,

kind of like the toiletof a Cheesecake Factory

on Mardi Gras.

Comedians, I would like youto give me

as many alternative factsas you can in 60 seconds,

and begin.

I can't imagine this diarrhea

-came from a Cheesecake Factory.-HARDWICK: Points.

Bachelorette parties are thatspecial time in a girl's life

when she celebratesher commitment

to the sacred of marriageby deep-throating

a lightsaberin a Cheesecake Factory.

I call my vaginaThe Cheesecake Factory.

That's why I thought...

I guess that's aCheesecake Factory menu.


Much like a dish atThe Cheesecake Factory,

this song seems to never end.

You don't want me to have TheCheesecake Factory of dicks.

Right? Come on.

I have a pooh.

I have a plate.

Uh... Cheesecake Factory.

I know. It feels like we'retrying to push a chud

out of our birth canal

in a Cheesecake Factorydumpster.


Yeah, that's right.

Cheesecake Factory.

-Take that. -HARDWICK: Ifthat is your real name.

They never respond to us,not one time.

But they sure as hell get backto anyone who ever tweets

anything negative about them.

And their whole goddamn Twitterpage is page after page

of @cheesecakeapologizing to people

who said their cobb salad

had a live bat in itor whatever.

So, comedians,I'm gonna show you a tweet

about The Cheesecake Factory,and for 250 points

I want you to answera follow-up question.

First up, @anggetsfit,

and it saysthat she's home sick,

and when someone asks why,she responds:

"I think it was from a crabraccoon I had leftover

from The Cheesecake Factory."

Now we're not 100% surewhat a crab raccoon is.

Maybe they took twotrash-eating scavengers,

and they made onepoisonous appetizer.

My-my guess is that they threwa crab in a dumpster,

and they changed their mind andwhile they were fishing it out

they just-- they scooped upa raccoon,

and were like, screw it,

throw it in the deep fryer.Who's gonna know?

So, comedians, make up anotherupsetting concoction

you might get atThe Cheesecake Factory.

-Tom Lennon.-First of all,

if you're literally, your nameon Twitter is "getsfit,"

how often are you eating atThe Cheesecake Factory?

HARDWICK:That's important...

She's constantly tryingto get fit.

-HARDWICK: Yeah, yeah, exactly.-Right, right.

-It's not "and is fit."-LENNON: Because of, because of.

-Yeah. -It's a cau... It'sa Möbius. -All right, points.

-Milana.-Uh... beef bourguignon.

Milana. No.

Milana Vayntrub.

Uh, penis butter and jelly.


It's my favorite nut butter.Uh...

-Kyle. -Clearly,there's a pattern here,

so I'll just saybuttholes calamari.

All right, great.Very good. So...

That-That's not a joke,that's just a fact.

That's a thing.

So I want you to listen up,Cheesecake Factory.

@midnight will notbe ignored anymore.

We'd love to stop dicking onyou, but you leave us no choice.

I need attention from youfor some reason.

So comedians, I need youto give me a tweet

we can send to @Cheesecaketo get their attention,

and then we will haveeveryone in studio

tweet it out at home.

Let's start with you, Tom.

Hey, @Cheesecake...

...I just burned my genitals

on your loadedbaked potatotots.

How about an RT?

All right, pret...pretty good one.


Hey, @Cheesecake...

is my waiter right--

will the southwest eggrollsfit up by butt?

All right.

-Kyle?-Depends on the dipping sauce.



It's all ketchup.

Ketchup will work.

Stay away from the aioli.

-For your a-holey. -HARDWICK:No aioli for your a-holey!

-Yeah! -Yes!

-Oh. -You can't...-Points! Points!

-Points! Points! Points!-We were simpatico. -You can't

-cut it out!-Points! Points! Points!

HARDWICK: No, we can't cut thatout. -It can never be cut out!

-Ever!-VAYNTRUB: All in!

I got a time limit. Hold on.Hey, Cheesecake...

my grandfather diedfrom graham cracker lung

working in your factory.How about a gift card?

All right.


I-I think Tom Lennon'sis the one we're gonna go with,

so everyone at homeand in the audience,

take your phones out right nowand, uh, re...

to @... "Hey, @Cheesecake,I burned by genitals

"on your loadedbaked potatotots.

How about an RT?"

Maybe they'll do it.

The beef is on,Cheesecake Factory.