Amy Schumer - Last Call

Amy Schumer: Mostly Sex Stuff Season 1, Ep 101 08/18/2012 Views: 33,409

There are many ways for Amy Schumer to ensure that she's the best-looking friend in her group. (1:53)

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AS I'M GETTING OLDER,WHAT I'M DOING NOW

IS I'M JUST MAKING SUREI'M THE BEST-LOOKING ONE

OF MY FRIENDS.

IT'S REALLY EASY.

I CUT CERTAIN PEOPLEOUT OF MY LIFE.

[laughter]

AND I NOW HAND-SELECTSTRANGERS OFF OF FACEBOOK

AND SURROUND MYSELFWITH REAL TROLLS AND REPTILES.

YOU SHOULD SEETHESE MONSTERS.

I HAD A FRIEND, NIKKI,SHE KEPT LOSING WEIGHT.

I TOOK HER OUT OF MY PHONE.[bleep] HER, I'M SORRY.

BUT THERE'S ONE CHICKI'VE BEEN FRIENDS WITH FOREVER.

HER NAME IS SABINA.

LIKE, SHE'S GORGEOUS,

AND OF COURSE SHE ISWITH THE NAME SABINA.

LIKE, WHAT A WHITE,ANNOYING NAME, RIGHT?

YOU HAVE TO BE SO HOTTO PULL OFF NAMES LIKE THAT,

LIKE SABINA, PRISCILLA.

YOU CAN'T HAVE, LIKE,A BUM KNEE AND A LAZY EYE

AND BE LIKE,"I'M SABINA."

IT'S LIKE,"NICE TRY.

"WE'RE GONNACALL YOU BERTHA, BITCH.

"BUT THAT WAS CUTE.

THAT WAS CUTE."

GUYS GO CRAZYOVER HER.

I NEVER GET HIT ONLIKE THAT.

THE ONLY TIME I GET HIT ONIS LAST CALL AT THE BAR.

RIGHT?

THAT'S WHEN I SHINE,I'M TELLING YOU.

WHAT A WEIRD TIME OF NIGHT,RIGHT?

THE LIGHTS GO ON.

IT JUST FEELS REAL RAPE-YALL OF A SUDDEN.

POST-APOCALYPTIC.

SOMETHING HAPPENSTO THE MEN.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE,"I NEED A WOMAN."

LIKE THEY ALL JUST STARTPACING LIKE GORILLAS.

[laughter]

THEIR EYES WIDEN.

IT LOOKS LIKETHEY CAN ONLY SEE BY HEAT.

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT?"LIKE PREDATOR.

I SEE SOME DUDEIN A FULL BLACKOUT

JUST WALKING AT ME,

LIKE A ZOMBIE JUST POINTINGAT HIS OWN DICK.

LIKE, "HERE."

[laughter]

I'M LIKE,"I'LL GET US A CAB."

[laughter]

I KNOW I MAKE IT SOUNDLIKE I'M SO SLUTTY UP HERE,

BUT I'M--I'VE ONLY BEENWITH FOUR PEOPLE,

AND THAT WASA WEIRD NIGHT.

[laughter]

THAT'S MY BUSINESS.