(lively theme song playing)
PENN JILLETTE: Welcome, viewers who fell asleep with the TV on.
It's the 3009 No-Limit Hold 'Em Championship!
(cheering and applause)
I'm the massive headof Penn Jillette,
and here withthe color commentary--
my partner Teller!
Our act really didn'tchange much when he died.
Pardon me.I'm new to this game.
Is this duffel bag big enoughfor all your money?
Oh, boogers, we're inthe same tournament.
Quick, get your entry fee backbefore I bankrupt you.
In your dreams, nutloaf.
Bite my shiny metal hat.
PENN:Tex Connecticut,the pride of Kansas City,
first to act.
Smiley Smith up next.
Looks like Boobs Vanderbilthas a decent pair.
Also, she's got two eights.
Oh, and Bender Rodriguezpicks up a lucky deal
right off the bat!
BENDER: Whoo! Two aces!
I'm thinkin' guitar solo.
(mimicking guitar solo)
A stunning play by mentallyill newcomer Philip Fry!
It's almost as if he knewBender had two aces!
Bender has two aces?!I'm out.
I'm out.I'm out.I'm out.
Suck my luck!
You see this gun?
That's what I'm gonna doto Bender if he wins.
(fast-tempo funk riffplaying)
Call my mighty betat your peril!
My cards are awful and I need a hug!
I call your bluff.
I shall annihilate...
I just wanted to makemy daddy proud.
Well, you didn't.
I want you and your junkmoved out by Monday!
PENN:It's gettingpretty intense, folks.
Based on the stateof decompositionof Teller's head,
we're now in hour 19of the tournament.
and the first bad dealof the night for Bender.
Hey, pal,help me out here.
This is the worstpossible hand, right?
I'm all in.
All in.I mean, fold.
PENN:Well, Bender's luckjust ran out.
No card can save himfrom elimination.
Oh, my gourds,he's dead!
I'm so full of luck,
it's shootin' outlike luck diarrhea!
PENN:Wake up, poker fans!
We're downto our final two players
in heads-up actionfor the championship!
Your perspective, Teller?
But-But you didn't evenlook at your cards.
Looking at one's cardsis a crutch
for players who rely on skill.
Any day now, Fry.
You in or out?
What's the matter, Fry?You scared?
Or just... crazy?
Read 'em and weep.
And then tell mewhat they are.
And with three on the board,
that give Bender five kings.
But... how is that...
I don't believe it!
Bender has just been dealtthe king of beers--
a coaster from the bar thatsomehow got mixed into the deck!
But it still counts!
(cheering and applause)
LEO:Bender win the championship!
That's some good money.
You did it, Bender!
You're the greatest!
Tell me something Idon't know, sweet-ass.
Now let's boogie.
We'll be in Space Tahiti
before the Donbotknows what hit him.
Now I am suspicious.