Myq Kaplan - Squares or Rectangles

  • Season 14 , Ep 22
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 34,392

Myq Kaplan won't go out with anyone who doesn't understand the set/subset relationship. (2:25)

ACTUALLY, I PERFORM

AT A LOT OF ENGINEERING SCHOOLS.

I GO IN, I'M LIKE,"WHERE THE LADIES AT?"

THEY'RE LIKE,"AT ANOTHER SCHOOL!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"WE HAVE ONE HERE, BUT WE BUILTHER OUT OF ROBOT PARTS.

WE DON'T KNOWHOW TO TALK TO HER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WOMEN ASK ME OUT ALL THE TIME,ACTUALLY,

BEFORE THEY'VE HEARDMY NASALLY, ROBOTIC VOICE.

AND THEN IT'S TOO LATE.HA HA.

BUT THIS ONE WOMANSAID TO ME ONCE, SHE SAID,

"YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR COFFEEOR DRINKS?"

I WAS LIKE, "COFFEE IS A DRINK."

BAM! SHE LEFT.SO...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AW.

THAT ONE TURNED INTOA LITTLE DANCE.

THE POINT IS, I DON'T WANT TOGO OUT WITH SOMEBODY

WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTANDTHE SET/SUBSET RELATIONSHIP.

LIKE WHAT'S NEXT?

"YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR SQUARESOR RECTANGLES?

GET OUT OF HERE, LADY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

ANOTHER WOMAN SAID TO ME ONCE,

"YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT,YOU MIGHT GET LUCKY TONIGHT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "PLAYING YOURCARDS RIGHT SOUNDS LIKE SKILL --

THE OPPOSITE OF LUCK."

BAM! TWO DOWN!

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I'VE DATED WOMENOF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES,

FROM SKINNY TO RHOMBUS,

AND FROM INFINITYDOWN TO NEGATIVE INFINITY.

THAT'S WHENSHE'S NOT EVEN THERE.

HAPPENS A LOT.

POINT IS -- YOU KNOW,

THE BEST PARTABOUT DATING SOMEBODY

WHO IS OVERWEIGHTIS IF IT'S LONG DISTANCE,

THE DISTANCEIS SLIGHTLY LESS LONG.

AND GRAVITYPULLS YOU EVEN CLOSER.

SO SCIENCE REALLY WORKING FORYOU, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OH.

I HAVE DATED SKINNY WOMEN, TOO.

I DATED --TOO SKINNY, WOMEN TOO SKINNY.

THIS WOMAN WEIGHEDLIKE 90 POUNDS SOAKING WET,

WHICH I KNOW 'CAUSE I WEIGHEDHER AFTER I DROWNED HER.

AND THAT IS A JOKE.

I DID NOT WEIGH HER, EVERYBODY.I DID NOT WEIGH HER.

'CAUSE THAT IS DISRESPECTFULEVEN POSTHUMOUSLY.

SHE TOOK THAT SECRETTO HER WATERY GRAVE.

SO...

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING, WHEREDID I LEARN ALL ABOUT WOMEN?

OBVIOUSLY, MY COLLEGE ROOMMATEWAS EXCELLENT WITH THEM.

HE WOULD ALWAYS PUT A SOCKON THE DOOR,

LET ME KNOW WHENHE'S HAVING SEX WITH A GIRL.

SO I WOULD ALWAYS PUTA CONDOM ON THE DOOR,

LET HIM KNOW WHENI'M JERKING OFF INTO A SOCK.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THAT'S A SOLID ONE, IS WHATI WOULD SAY ABOUT THE SOCK.

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